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Planning for Sober Success

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I have recently realised that I am rather lacking in a plan for the next 5 years. When you are drinking, I know that thinking about the next 5 days can be a struggle, let alone contemplating where you might be in 5 years. For me though a plan is a must. Without a structure and an idea of where I am heading, I turn into a Netflix-bingeing procrastinator extraordinaire.

Nothing Left to Watch

I realised things had gotten out of hand recently when I was searching for my next Korean drama (I’m a massive fan!) only to discover that I had watched everything I wanted to. As I sat in front of the TV mindlessly scrolling in a vain attempt to find something to watch, getting increasingly frustrated, it dawned on me that this wasn’t a productive use of my time and that I could be doing something – anything else!

There is no plan

After a few days of thinking about what was bugging me I realised that I don’t have a plan, not for the next week, next month or next year. While I do think it’s much better to live in the present as much as possible, living without a goal that I am aiming towards means I am always a little stuck in the present.

It’s not like me to be operating without a plan though so what’s been stopping me?

Overwhelm

I’ve had a lot going on in the last year, personally and professionally which has meant that I’ve been spread a bit thin physically and emotionally. The prospect of planning for anything has felt like ‘too much’ and so I haven’t. Trying to think of it positively, I guess I could say I was living in a spell where I was having a break but the truth is, life has felt a little overwhelming and I just rolled with it instead of taking control.

No Energy

No matter which way I looked at it, I couldn’t continue to just float through life. For one thing, I won’t ever get anywhere or achieve anything. But, more importantly, not having a plan reminds me too much of the time when I was a drinker. I had a million ideas on what I wanted to do but never had the energy to do them. Alcohol was always more important and was the anchor that kept me from moving forward.

I have a plan

As I write this I have the first twinkles of a plan for the next year and already feel so much better. A little bit of writing and looking ahead at the next 12 months and there is a shape emerging from the clouds of my mind. The 5 year plan will take a bit of work but I can feel it coming.

When You Drink

When you drink and you have ideas about stopping it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and give up before you even try. There is a lot to think about. You will need to think about the detox and how to treat yourself healthily while you’re feeling rubbish. Tackling your triggers and making sure you’re prepared for them is critical. Having some idea of how you want life to be will give you hope and motivation. Being prepared for the surprises that dealing with your feelings and emotions brings will help keep you emotionally stable.

Making it Hard on Yourself

Yes, it is entirely possible to stop today, say ‘enough is enough’ and never touch a drop again. If you do that it is entirely possible that you will succeed but without addressing a number of areas in your life, you are either likely to fail or succeed in a much harder way than you need to.

You might be that person who spontaneously ‘gets it’ and one day just stops and never looks back.

Plan

However, that’s not the experience most of us have. If you were going to embark on a diet you would have to plan your food, decide what kind of exercise you are going to do and plan your time so that you don’t fail to do it. It’s no different with alcohol, you need to plan.

Consider  some of the elements that need addressing when you think about stopping:

  • Date – there might be stuff going on that means a delay to your last day one is a good idea. You might have to postpone the date until you have some time off.
  • Detox – you need to plan how you are going to get through the detox. Do you need a doctor’s appointment (it’s recommended)? Do you need to do some food prep to make eating healthier easier? Do you need to take a day or two off work so you can have a restful time and help a speedy recovery time?
  • Triggers – what changes do you need to plan for in regard to your triggers? Do you need to change your environment, get the support of a loved one, think about a different route home to avoid that shop? Do you need to plan what you are going to drink?
  • Time and Money – what are you going to do with the time and money you are getting back and saving? What dreams are inside the hours you’ve wasted on alcohol and what is the plan to use them more wisely? What goals can be achieved with an injection of cash and what’s the plan to save that money?
  • Long-Term Sobriety – what do you want your life to be like? As Tony Robbins said in Awaken the Giant Within; “You see, ten years from now you will surely arrive. The question is: Where? Who will you have become? How will you live? What will you contribute?” Without a plan, you will definitely arrive somewhere but it might not be somewhere you want to be but if you make a plan to live your sober life to the fullest, surely isn’t that what you will achieve?

How? 

There are lots of ways to plan – probably a million. I’m a big fan of a planner book. If I have something to write in I’m a happy bunny. There is a method that is tried and tested and might be worth considering if you’re a planning newbie:

SMART

Specific – don’t say “I am going to stop” – say “I am going to stop on 1st August for at least 30 days and I am going to embrace the process and enjoy it.” 

Measurable – Pick a time frame, give yourself a date and stick to it. Use a tracker to tick off the days.

Achievable – There will be something in your past that you have changed or given up. Say “I gave up smoking so I can easily give up alcohol.” “I moved to another part of the country for work so I have the determination and energy to make this change. Choose a plan and a goal that you know you can achieve. Don’t allow your overconfidence or your desperation to say “I’m giving up forever” if, in your heart, you know that’s unrealistic.

Relevant – Keep it real and relevant to your life. There is no point in saying you will stay sober and do a run 5 days a week if your lifestyle just can’t handle that kind of commitment. What would work for you?

Time-bound – Pick a date and reward yourself every time you achieve it. You could choose your first 30 days but reward yourself every Sunday morning. It’s a great way to schedule in some self-care.

Life

We plan for everything in life but I have seen many women miss out this vital work in the desperation to be sober. I know how difficult it feels, wishing to be sober but continuing to drink. But if you ignite the spark of the beginnings of a plan you might just get excited about what you can achieve in your sober life.

What’s Your Plan? 

What’s the first thing you need to plan for? What is the time span? A year might be too enormous to think about right now but what if you planned the next 30 days? What would that plan look like?

I would love to hear from you so feel free to drop me a message with your plan.

I designed My 30 Day Sobriety Journal for exactly this reason – to help you formulate a plan. Get Your Copy HERE.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Much love always, Jules xxx

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The Effect Alcohol Has on Your Personal Growth

When I first started helping women quit alcohol I spent a huge amount of time and effort on the practical elements of giving up. It’s the information you know by heart if you’ve been trying to quit for a while: 

Practical Tips 

  • Commit to a Day One
  • Set clear goals
  • Commit to a certain number of days
  • Replace your bad habits with good ones
  • Use alcohol-free alternatives if it helps
  • Check-in with your doctor
  • Reward yourself along the way and at the end
  • Understand your triggers and find healthy and better ways to manage them (there’s a freebie that will help here)
  • Get support
  • Be good to yourself and increase your self-care habits

Good Advice

Obviously all of the above is good advice and has helped countless women stop drinking, either for good or for an extended period of time. I’m sure this is not that different from all of the advice and information you’ve come across in the past.

Eureka! 

Over time, as my knowledge improved and I coached more women, I began to see a repeating pattern where women would commit to drinking, succeed at 30 or 90 days but then go back to drinking – often drinking more than they had been when they first quit.

I was realising that the majority of the conversations I had weren’t really about giving up alcohol. So many women who had been sober for weeks would start to feel uncomfortable about their sobriety and start messaging me on Whatsapp that they were feeling like drinking.

After a few conversations with clients, I had a Eureka Moment!

Alcohol isn’t always the problem

Nearly every woman who was struggling had the same issue.

When I was coaching I could see that so many of my clients had not had the benefit of working on their personal growth in the same way I had and this was having a direct impact on their ability to stay sober.

Since the year 2000, I have been working on my personal development. I was introduced to the topic by a management coach I worked with and after the first book I was hooked. Over the next 17 years, I inhaled all things personal growth and development. I did courses, retreats and anything that I found that I thought would make me ‘happier’.

Personal Growth Inhibitor

And this is what I discovered. When you reach for the bottle in response to feeling something like anxiety, stress, anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, trauma etc etc, so that you don’t have to feel it you are robbing yourself of learning invaluable and necessary life skills that contribute to your personal growth.

Anxiety

Alcohol causes anxiety so if you are living with anxiety because of something that’s happened to you, then adding alcohol into the mix is only going to make it worse and you will never be able to be free of it. After a spell of confident sobriety, you should discover that your anxiety levels are reducing and putting you in a much stronger frame of mind to start the process of dealing with it for good.

Stress

If you are stressed and drink you will never learn to listen to the messages your body gives you to tell you that stress is coming and what you need to do about it. After I stopped drinking in 2017, I learned really quickly that when I am stressed my sleep gets very disturbed and patchy. Now, I can spot stress before it gets out of hand and I can deal with whatever I need to at the right time before it has a major impact on my health. This is because sober me knows I sleep well where drinking me never did. So, if my sleep is disturbed then there is something going on that I need to deal with.

Anger

If you get angry and reach for the bottle you are missing out on the opportunity to learn how to set boundaries with other people and stop being a people pleaser. Sobriety will also give you the chance to learn how to let go of stuff that doesn’t warrant your anger. I used to be a very angry woman and would be furious about stupid little things, today I don’t notice the little things and live a much calmer life. Your sober life will show you ways to manage your anger and let go of what truly doesn’t matter.

Sadness

Feeling sad about something is an emotion to be honoured. If you are sad at any kind of loss then you are saying that this was important, that it mattered to me and my tears honour that. Often, sadness accompanies other emotions and adding alcohol to these feelings robs you of the chance to be clear about what is really troubling you and what you need to do about them.

Loneliness

I know many women drink at home alone which exacerbates feelings of loneliness. When you drink alcohol to stop feeling the discomfort of feeling lonely it’s the alcohol that is directly contributing to keeping you lonely. Drinking makes you feel like you don’t need anyone anyway and you’re probably an introvert so it’s alright and alcohol becomes the reason that you feel lonelier and lonelier and begin to imagine a bleak future. Getting sober will give you the chance to find out if you actually like being alone or if you would prefer more people in your life.

I thought I drank on social occasions because I was an outgoing person who found it easy to meet and talk to strangers and alcohol was just part of being there. Sobriety revealed that I was actually quite an introvert and drank so that I could have a social life. Now I don’t worry about it and spend as much time on my own as I need and see lovely people when it feels good to.

Guilt

If you drink because you feel guilty about something you’ve done in the past, then I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you keep drinking, you always will. Forgiving yourself is an empowering act of self-love where you can see the tangible benefits of letting go of guilt and letting yourself off the hook. Alcohol will keep you exactly in the same spot. Sobriety gives you the chance to look at why you feel guilty and take positive action to make amends to others and yourself because you know life will be so much better afterwards.

Trauma

Drinking to drown out the horror of a past trauma is certainly understandable. Grappling with the depths of feelings that arise without the tools to do so effectively makes drinking a very easy thing to do. Yes, when you stop drinking, the pain of your past might feel worse for a time, but getting the professional support you need will put you on the path to eventual freedom. Continuing to drink will keep you trapped in the past and it will never set you free. Only you have the power to do that.

Personal Development

Getting to grips with your personal development soon after you get sober will give you the very best chance to succeed at long-term sobriety. I know that no matter what comes my way, I have the resilience and strength to deal with it and it’s my sobriety that is the foundation of that knowledge.

If you are already working on your personal growth and are still drinking I would ask you to do a brief assessment and ask yourself if you are truly making the progress you think you are.

Coaching

Over the years my coaching has developed so that your personal growth is my top priority. In coaching, I spend as much time, sometimes more, as I do on the practical elements of giving up.

With just a few weeks of sobriety under your belt you will have the clarity of mind to start the joyful process of making good choices and decisions for yourself and be clear about the contribution those choices are making towards how you see yourself and how you want to live in the world.

Remember

If you have been drinking for decades then you may have a fair bit of catching up to do. I know it might seem a little scary from where you are right now, but I promise you it doesn’t have to be. Taking full control of your life and your personal growth will make you feel like a giant of a woman who is capable of anything.

If you feel you might need some support and would like to discuss coaching with me, you can book a free discovery call here.

Much love always, Jules xxx

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Books I Recommend to Support Your Sobriety

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In this blog post I will share with you the books I recommend to support your sobriety. 

Reading books is one of the great joys of my life and even more so since I stopped drinking. Being able to fully focus on a novel or a personal development book since being sober has enabled me to expand my mind beyond anything I could have imagined.

By the time I stopped drinking, I had been reading every personal development book I could get my hands on for about 17 years. What started out as a hope to find some answers to the difficulties I was facing at the time became an obsession, one that I still have today.

I love other people’s ideas of what might work to help me feel better about some aspect of my life, trying them out and seeing that part of my life improve. Wayne Dyers quote – “Don’t die with your music still in you.” is one that fuels my love of writing and my determination to one day write a book for you – it’s in progress!

Sometimes the ideas I’ve read about don’t quite hit the mark, and there are some books that I could quite cheerfully burn after trying to read the first chapter! After years of reading this kind of material, I’ve come to learn what I like and what I don’t.

Personal Development Inhibitor

One of the things I have learned about working with you is that alcohol is a perfect personal development inhibitor. When you open the bottle to alleviate or avoid stress, depression, fear, anxiety or any other negative emotion, you are preventing yourself from learning valuable life skills which will contribute to your personal growth.

When you are facing a stressful situation without alcohol, you have no choice but to work out how to handle the root cause of your stress. If work is the cause, then your sober mind will speak to your manager, deal with any backlogs, learn new coping mechanisms or change jobs and do whatever is necessary to remove the stress.

Using alcohol at the point of feeling stressed stops any of those opportunities from presenting themselves. This leads to a stuck situation that has no hope of being resolved.

Personal Development Books

When you stop drinking you are often left in a position of having little to no normal life coping skills. If you have been drinking since you were young, the chances are you never managed to learn appropriately about what to do when life gets difficult. Sometimes the feelings can be overwhelming and will often lead you back to alcohol because you feel adrift and scared that you don’t know how to cope.

This is why I always recommend personal development books to clients when I am one-to-one coaching.

If you have stopped for a while and gone back to alcohol, it may be that this is why you started again. Sobriety can leave a growth vacuum that you need to fill with learning that will support your personal growth. Here’s a list of books that I have read that I regularly suggest to my clients:

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr Wayne W Dyer

Probably my favourite book of his. He shows you how the ancient wisdom of the Tao can be brought into today and give you strategies for changing the negative thinking that often stops us from fulfilling our true potential.

The Source by Dr Tara Swart

I have re-read this book a number of times. It’s a lovely blend of science and spirituality and Dr Swart shows us how both disciplines can and do work together.

 

Atomic Habits by James Clear

This is a great book for understanding the nature of habits and offers lots of advice on how to change yours. Whilst he doesn’t talk about alcohol directly it’s a useful book that will help you understand how your drinking habit works.

Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict by Tsultrim Allione

This book offers you the chance to personify your demons and give them what they really need. It’s an incredibly powerful exercise which can have rapid results.

 

The Art of Happiness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Simply presented Buddhist wisdom directly from the Dalai Lama. This is a seasonal read for me.


The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person by Amanda Cassil, Phd

This book is for you if you know you are a very sensitive person.

Drink? The New Science of Alcohol + Your Health by Professor David Nutt

This is the only alcohol related book I recommend. Non-preachy and non-judgemental, you will learn about how alcohol affects your body and mind and will help you make informed choices.

Lastly, I am a huge fan of anything by Wayne Dyer so here is a link to a page which lists all of his books: CLICK HERE.

I hope you find at least one of these books useful and I would love to hear from you if you do try them.

Much love always, Jules xxx

P.S. If you would like to get more personal book recommendations and would like to consider working with me one-to-one you can find out about coaching HERE.

*this post contains affiliate links
If you would like to support the work I do and would like to make a donation, CLICK HERE

How a basket can help you with your cravings

Find out how a basket can help you with your cravings

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When your cravings hit you, in that moment, they can feel overwhelming and like you will never be able to get through the feeling without giving in.

The most important thing to remember about cravings is that they pass. On average it takes about 10-15 minutes or so. Of course, the challenge is what do you do during those 15 minutes without driving yourself crazy?

If you do a little bit of planning, you can set yourself up with a basket and a few key items that will not only help you get through those few minutes but will help you with your MLT (most loving thing) approach to giving up.

Create a Project You Basket

A Project You Basket is filled with all of the things that you can do that will make you feel really good about yourself. Here is a picture of a few things that you could start filling your basket with:

How to Use Your Project You Basket

 

JOURNAL

Slow down the rush of thoughts by writing out how you feel. You can create some necessary control and distance from your crazy monkey mind by journaling. Its incredibly powerful to see your thoughts in front of you and is sure to reveal something you previously weren’t aware of.  Start your journaling with…The reason I feel like drinking right now is because…

BOOK

Read a book. It doesn’t have to be a quitlit book either. Something that’s a distraction might be better. It could be about health. I’m reading an excellent book by Jessie Inchauspe called Glucose Revolution. Of course, you could read a great novel that is really absorbing. I can always rely on Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen to transport me to another place and time. 

MEDITATE 

Take 15 minutes to sit quietly and meditate. Hold the beads in your hand and move one bead at a time through your fingers and focus on counting the beads. Start from one again if you lose count. If meditation isn’t your thing, try some mindful breathing to bring yourself into the present moment. You can also listen to a guided visualisation to help inspire you to stay sober. I created a Future You Guided Visualisation for that very reason. Listen Here. 

HAND CREAM

Put a huge dollop of hand cream onto your hands and give yourself a gentle hand massage. If you pump out around 3 times your usual amount it will take quite a while before it’s absorbed in. The great thing about this is that you can’t drink while you’re doing it.

SOFA SPA

Give yourself an at-home spa that will make you feel really special. Rehydrate your face, make your feet soft as a baby’s, give yourself a pedicure and paint your nails.

DREAM JAR

Create a dream jar. Get small pieces of paper and write all of your dreams on them, fold them up and put them in your jar. When you feel a craving happening, review your dreams and remind yourself of the reasons you want to stop drinking.

SOBERSISTAS WORKBOOKS

I think over the years I have created a gazillion free workbooks. They have all been created to help you deal with some aspect of Project You. You can check out my website page for the current freebies HERE.

MY 30 DAY SOBRIETY JOURNAL

You can also keep my journal in your basket too.

I created My 30 Day Sobriety Journal to help you with your first 30 sober days. It is jam-packed with content and for only £13.99 it’s the cost of a couple of bottles of wine or one bottle depending on your tastes – it’s a steal! Read more about it HERE.

Personalise your Project You Basket

There are lots of other things you can keep in your Project You Basket that will inspire you to ease yourself past your cravings. Here are some other ideas:
  • A bottle of water – when you’re craving, you may be dehydrated.
  • Chocolate or something healthier like nuts – sometimes you’re just hungry.
  • Sudoku – or other puzzle books.
  • Knitting – or crocheting or a mandala colouring book – anything that would keep your hands busy.

Location, Location, Location

Placing your basket in the right location is critical. There is no point in putting it by your bed if you are like me and don’t hang around in your bedroom. You could put it next to your usual sofa spot or under the coffee table if it’s in front of you. Take a few moments to think about where you do most of your drinking and what the best place for your basket will be. Find a spot that makes it easy to access it.

What’s in Your Project You Basket?

I would love to know what you would put in your Project You Basket. If you have a great idea, I would love to hear from you so that I can share it with your fellow Sobersistas. You can get in touch via jules@sobersistas.co.uk.

Much love always, Jules xxx

You Can Give Up Alcohol

You CAN Give Up Alcohol

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“I can’t do it!”

 
Of all the phrases I hear in my coaching sessions, this is the one I hear most often. 
When you experience a day that is filled with so much stress, doing and overwhelm you will probably open a bottle of wine and the mental torture begins.
  • “You see, you’re useless.”
  • “God, I’m pathetic, I can’t even stay sober for 3 days straight.”
  • “I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay sober for any length of time. I just can’t do it!”
A whole week of staying sober is obliterated in a tirade of personal insults where you tell yourself that you’ve never achieved anything good in your life and so, obviously, you can’t stay sober.

A Woman’s Life

Women, through various circumstances, often find themselves in situations where it is required of them to do more than they ever could have imagined they could bear. When we drink regularly we unconsciously make our lives so much more difficult. 

We Care

We do the lion’s share of caring for children and our elderly relatives. Yes, these are often joyful choices we make, but if you’ve ever been a single parent with an absent father, you will know the daily stress, fear and grind of keeping everything together so those you love can thrive. The hours are punishing and, of course, we are at the bottom of the list for care.
 
When our children are at their most vulnerable ages we go to work because a) financially we have no choice and/or b) we have skills and talents that deserve to shine in the world so we can operate as whole women. Childcare is costly, so the financial balance is often calculated on the head of a pin. When we come home, often we have to make sure the house runs smoothly.
 
Every time one of our children is in trouble, we drop everything, juggle like a crazy woman and run to them. We empty our purses for them and give them anything we have that they want. We lie awake at night worrying about their adult choices, forgetting that they are in fact, adults. (They will always be our babies won’t they?)

We Move

We move cities and countries for a better life and make sure that every item is carefully packed and itemised. This ensures that children’s toys are unpacked first to keep them occupied and tea-making necessities are next.  Many years ago, I was admitted to hospital with a burst appendix a couple of days before a house move and spent months afterwards finding socks in pans and pencils in the bathroom so I know the value of proper packing!

We Work

We push hard to educate ourselves and work harder than some to ensure we can get the promotion that puts us in a pay bracket that allows us to breathe. To have all of this we have to live in a state of perpetual exhaustion and start to feel resentful and hopeless about the future. 

We Suffer

From childhood through to menopause and beyond we suffer huge and small aggressions from men, society, crap employers, financial institutions – blah blah blah – and in the majority of cases we just have to suck it up. Each aggression either makes us more aggressive or wears us down just a little more. 
 
If you have an old trauma, the expectation is often that you should ‘get over it already’. Or you don’t talk about it so you don’t make other people uncomfortable and you don’t believe anyone actually cares about this stuff anyway. There is no time or money for therapy and that trauma sits like a tightly coiled spring, waiting for the next ‘thing’ to set it off.

We Change

It’s only this year that the menopause is being talked about in organisations and women are being supported for what can be a crazy, scary and depressing time of their lives. The changes to our bodies and minds can induce lunacy because we feel suddenly out of control. Of course, we just keep going because we have to. 

We Age

Wandering to retirement, sometimes with not enough money to stop working, is terrifying and the prospect of working till you die sometimes looks like a real possibility. Seeing your body age in a world that demands you stay young is frustrating and makes you feel like you’re out of control and it’s too late to do anything about it. 

We Persist

And through it all, we keep going, we manage and we drink. At this point, you might be arguing that alcohol should be on prescription for free because it’s one of the only things that will give us some sort of temporary peace!
 
Of course, what I have written above is maybe a slightly exaggerated set of scenarios and if only one or two of them applies to you then it’s hardly surprising you have relied on alcohol to cope. 

You Are Strong

But if you have lived through or are in any of the situations I have described above then the strength you have had to draw up from within yourself is immense.
 
You have the strength to stop drinking because you have learned how to be strong through the simple act of living your life. You have overcome immense challenges in your life and along the way you have learned new things about what you’re truly capable of. 
You have made huge decisions to improve your life by moving to another country or city, getting out of an abusive relationship or changed jobs when it felt like a risky move.
Which means you absolutely have the strength to give up alcohol. You can do it because, contrary to what you may have been telling yourself, this liquid poison has no personality so it isn’t going to fight back if you decide to drop it as your best friend. It isn’t going to send you threatening messages or stalk you down the supermarket aisles threatening to jump in your basket.

Try This Exercise

Take out your journal and answer this prompt:
The things I have done in my life that have required me to be strong are…
Keep writing until you remember everything. Read it back once you’re finished and underline the words and phrases that highlight just how strong you have been until now. You will see just how amazing you are.

You CAN Give Up Alcohol

Face alcohol and be the woman you always are, strong, capable and easily able to overcome this tiny, insignificant, health-damaging liquid that makes you believe the lies it tells you. Be your own heroine.
 
I promise you that you can do it. The detox is uncomfortable but brief and the necessary reframing of your thinking is so much easier once you’re clear of alcohol.
 
I know you can do it because I did it. I have lived through many of the things I have listed above and when I stopped drinking I realised what an amazing woman I am. I will never allow anything to stop me from living the life I deserve and I owe that confidence and clarity to my sobriety.
 
Rise up. Be the woman I know you are.

Much love always, Jules xxx

silence your internal drinking voice

How To Silence Your Internal Drinking Voice

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When you begin questioning your relationship with alcohol it’s likely you start listening to the voice inside your head.

You probably started out by lying to yourself:

YOU: “You’re drinking too much.”

DRINKING YOU: “No I’m not, the woman next door puts way more empties in the recycling than I do and she has a top job, looks amazing and has perfect kids.”

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

DRINKING YOU:  “That’s ridiculous. Everybody drinks. I can’t possibly be the odd one out. Anyway, what on earth would I do instead – life would be unbelievably boring!”

Negotiation

One too many awful hangovers later you will realise you DO need to do something about your drinking and you will begin negotiating:

YOU: “I really need to stop.”

DRINKING YOU: “You can cut down first though can’t you? Maybe just a few at the weekend or on special occasions.”

YOU: “But it’s getting out of hand and I feel dreadful all the time.”

DRINKING YOU: “Okay so how about slowing down or changing your drink to something less strong and weaning yourself off it slowly?”

Fear

Then you realise you are fearful of what will happen when you get sober.

YOU: “I know I am using alcohol to numb the pain of the past.”

DRINKING YOU: “I will never be able to cope with the overwhelming pain and I need alcohol to make the awful feelings go away.”

Special Days

Perhaps eventually you make the commitment to do Dry January but leading up to it your internal conversations go something like this:

YOU: “Right, 1st of January and that’s it.”

DRINKING YOU: “But how am I going to do it?”

DRINKING YOU: “What if the detox is horrendous and I die?”

DRINKING YOU: “I will never be able to deal with the work stress and the crazy kids and the…and the…and the…”

DRINKING YOU: “I’ve never successfully stuck at anything so I am not likely to stick to it anyway, so there’s probably no point in starting.”

DRINKING YOU: “I know what I am like, I will walk out of a shop with a bottle of wine in my hand and not remember buying it. It’s a waste of time.”

You Give Up

Eventually, you don’t bother giving up and spend the next few weeks listening to your inner voice telling you:

DRINKING YOU: “Told you, you’re useless and pathetic.”

DRINKING YOU: “I can’t cope with the depression and anxiety without alcohol. I need it.”

DRINKING YOU: “I don’t think I really want to give up anyway.”

And then at some point, you will end up back at the beginning:

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

It can be totally exhausting going around in those mental circles and getting nowhere.

One of the main issues with much of this thinking is that it makes you feel more and more down on yourself…and the more you give yourself a hard time, the more you want to drink to blot out having to think about how awful you think you are!

The Answer?

It breaks my heart when I meet Sobersistas in this state. It’s a horrible Catch-22 because alcohol makes you feel depressed, negative and anxious so you drink which makes you feel worse.

It can feel impossible to get to that critical moment of giving up for good.

I have been working with women since 2017 and I have seen so many of them torture themselves with this internal dialogue that, ultimately, goes nowhere. In Sobersistas we have a saying to help you break the cycle of self-destructive thinking and begin to change that negative inner narrative.

You can remind yourself of it by remembering 3 letters: M L T

M L T stands for Most Loving Thing and it’s a reminder to get you to ask yourself the question:

What’s the Most Loving Thing I can do for myself right now?

Here is the alternative conversation when you use MLT.

YOU: “You’re drinking too much.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop.”

 

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop now because if I don’t I will go around in circles with this and end up months or even years down the line and still struggling with this.”

 

YOU: “I know I am using alcohol to numb the pain of the past.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to get sober and get the help and support I need and deserve so that I can heal and live my life free of this pain.”

 

YOU: “But it’s getting out of hand and I feel dreadful all the time.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop so that I can heal my body and mind. It will feel great to feel great.”

 

At the moment you might not feel like you are worth doing anything loving for yourself but I promise you, answering this question will put you back on the path to loving yourself as you did as a child.

To help you get clear about your ‘most loving things’ and other top tips to help you get started on your sober journey I have created a freebie just for you. Get your download today and start the journey you know you are ready to start.

GET IT HERE.

Much love always, Jules xxx

quit alcohol

A Soul-led Approach to Quitting Alcohol

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Physical Harms

Alcohol is bad for your body – surprise, surprise. Colon cancer, breast cancer, high blood pressure, inflammation, heart disease, liver disease, ulcers, dementia, osteoporosis – you know these things and yet you may still be drinking.

It isn’t hard to find information on the internet that will inform you in graphic detail just what alcohol does to your body. You know this. You drink despite this. You drink and ignore this horrific physical alternative. Why?

It may be that, as a unique human being, you have a reason that is different from every other woman and there is no immediately obvious answer to why you ignore this inevitability of doom and keep throwing wine down your neck.

But, if this knowledge isn’t enough to make the change and the risk of cancer isn’t enough to make you stop, what on earth would?

What does your soul need?

Perhaps what you need is something deeper, more meaningful.

What if the real problem is your soul?

I know there is a yearning in the deepest part of us that is crying out for something. It sat in me for 40 years while I drank away my life. I could never have named it because I was never clear-minded enough to identify it in the first place.

I could never have connected with it because I couldn’t get anywhere near it. I just had this ache somewhere that I couldn’t find that alcohol kept far enough away from me so that I couldn’t see it and quiet enough so that I couldn’t hear its song.

Now that I have been sober for over 5 years it’s blindingly obvious. My soul wanted peace. A quiet, gentle peace, undisturbed by doubt or fear. My soul wanted to be unshackled from alcohol to pursue its own freedom and wants.

There isn’t one drop of alcohol that could ever have given me that. Ever.

In your journey, perhaps you are focusing on being terrified of the detox symptoms whilst at the same time being scared of the health harms you know alcohol is inflicting on your body. It’s an endless catch-22. Fear of the detox – drink, fear of the health harms – drink so you don’t have to think about them.

Connecting with your soul and what you truly, deeply want in your life might be the answer.

Get answers from your soul

Try this – Imagine you have overcome your fears and know with 100% certainty that you will physically recover. Take a few calming deep breaths, close your eyes and imagine you know exactly where your soul is and ask yourself these questions:

  • What matters most to me in the world?
  • What do I want to have achieved by the time I die?
  • How do I want to live the rest of my life?
  • Who do I want to love more?
  • How do I want to be remembered when I am no longer here?
  • If I had all the resources I needed, what would I do?
  • Who could I serve that would give my life joy and meaning?
  • If I was free – what next?
  • Without alcohol – who am I?
  • Without alcohol – who could I be?

Listen to what your soul has to say. Perhaps the answers that rise up from within you are the ones that can be your motivation to let go of this useless liquid that is draining the beauty and joy out of you and your life.

If you need some support to help you quit alcohol for good and to tune in to what your soul is craving, you can work with me on a one to one basis. FIND OUT MORE HERE

If you prefer to go it alone, My 30 Day Sober Journal is available on Amazon and will provide you with the structure and inspiration for your first 30 sober days. Get it here.

What does your soul truly want?

Much love always, Jules. xxx

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Alcohol, The Menopause and Your Second Life

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Are you struggling with your menopause symptoms or wondering if alcohol is responsible for how you’re feeling?

Symptom Checker

Check out these symptoms of menopause and see how many you identify with:

  1. Hot flushes
  2. Weight Gain
  3. Fatigue
  4. Bloating
  5. Night Sweats
  6. Mood Changes
  7. Sleep Problems
  8. Nausea
  9. Irregular Periods
  10. Joint & Muscle Pain
  11. Itchy Skin
  12. Hair Loss
  13. Brittle Nails
  14. Dizziness
  15. Bladder Infections
  16. Dry Mouth
  17. Difficulty concentrating
  18. High Blood Pressure
  19. Digestive Problems
  20. Headaches
  21. Weak Bladder
  22. Dry, Tired, Irritated Eyes
  23. Memory Lapses
  24. Irregular Heartbeat
  25. Osteoporosis

Symptoms Related to Drinking Alcohol

Now, go back to the list above and ask yourself how many of those could also be related to your drinking. I counted 17 out of the 25 I have listed here from the days when I was drinking. Interestingly, the muscle and joint pains I used to experience have gone away since I stopped drinking.

How many are you experiencing right now?

What’s The Source?

If you are drinking and know you’re at the right age for menopause how do you know what is causing your symptoms? If they are so similar, how do you know what belongs to menopause and what belongs to alcohol?

Don’t you deserve to find out? Removing alcohol from your life will enable you to deal effectively with your menopause and be 100% sure that it’s this that is actually the cause of your symptoms and not alcohol.

Wouldn’t that be a better and easier conversation with your doctor? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to be able to list your symptoms and have those dealt with instead of any of them being dismissed as being alcohol-related? You wouldn’t have to lie about how much you’re drinking and would get the treatment you need for the symptoms you have.

The Easy Stuff

Sorting out symptoms and getting treatment is pretty straightforward. Yes, there might be a bit of back and forth getting the right kind of HRT and medication, but you will be clear about your end goal and will know when you feel better.

The Real Challenge

What isn’t so straightforward is how you handle you at this time. So many things are changing. Your body either no longer does what it’s told or you have to work twice as hard to make it obey. You can see shades of older women in your family in the mirror and sometimes that makes you feel older than old and you know that your days of making babies are pretty much over.

Your mind becomes a minefield of lost thoughts and dangerous ideas that make you feel like you’re going mad. Alcohol can cause depressive and anxious moods and thoughts, so the mixture of the two can be a miserable cocktail.

The World

In society being young, male, and virile are the hallmarks of a worthy member of society. Even older men are described as distinguished or silver foxes and are revered and worshipped as models of human ageing. We are told over andover that this is how it’s meant to be done. Of course, men can still have children well into older age, so they are still seen as useful contributors to society.

This view is never afforded to women. I can’t even think of a phrase that positively describes an older successful woman. Can you?

We are just ‘women of a certain age’, we are in ‘the change’ which almost suggests we have become not ourselves because we are no longer able to produce babies.

A Triple Bundle of Crap

Just think about it. If you are 1) female 2) menopausal and 3) a heavy drinker – that right there is a triple bundle of crap that puts women at a disadvantage. Being female is always a struggle unless you live in a cave on your own – the moment you interact with the outside world someone will tell you that you’re wrong. Being menopausal is a struggle because it’s a huge proportion of the population doesn’t understand what it’s like. Recently, I have seen some heightening awareness by organisations to be more supportive but it’s still early days and the support can be patchy or non-existent.

And if you dare to admit that you might be drinking alcohol, thou shalt be judged and judged negatively.

While juggling home, family, job, elderly relatives and your own changes it can feel like alcohol is the only way to provide some much-needed respite.

No More Babies

Coming to terms with the idea that you will no longer be able to have children may be causing you untold stress.

If for whatever reason, you haven’t had any children this time of your life can be a distressing time that forces you to come to terms with having to watch that door close for good.

Or it might feel like a kind of freedom.

Whichever way it’s affecting you, it’s significant and deserves the time and space to work through and accept your new reality or take action.

Will Alcohol Make It Better?

Adding alcohol at this time in your life is like setting fire to yourself. There is no way that alcohol can help you through this time in any effective or meaningful way.

There is no way you can come to terms with your changing body when you are ingesting a gazillion calories and increasing your risk of breast, and other, cancers.

You can’t get even a little bit close to sexy if you’ve always got a thick head. And you will never be able to sort your menopause symptoms out.

Whatever issues you have in your relationship and your feelings of being less attractive will only come out in arguments about the dishes when alcohol is leading the charge. If you are thinking – “I went through an early menopause and thought I’d turned into an old hag over night.” then your relationship will need an honest conversation about what is changing for you. 

Your Second Life

Of course, there is a different way to look at it. You can take a positive approach and look for the opportunities that might be available to you.

Perhaps if you’re menopausal you care a great deal less about what other people think of you than you used to. If that’s the case then is there something you have always wanted to do but feared others opinions? You can be free to pursue the things you always wanted to.

You have decades of experience in work, raising children and life in general that lots of people would benefit from if you wanted to share your many skills.

Perhaps, like me, you are beginning to recognise that the way you spend your time needs to be making a positive difference to someone or lots of someones?

What if you now have enough confidence and the time to work towards being the CEO of your company, or get that promotion you know you deserve?

Succeeding at Your Second Life

What if you stopped drinking alcohol and decided to make the years beyond your last period the best of your life?

I have a vision of an army of women who have their shit together, who have their health working for them, who have figured out what work they want to do, have figured out how they want their relationships to be and more importantly, know beyond a shadow of a doubt who they want to be.

Giving up alcohol when you’re young is a great idea but giving up when you are older is a double win. You know what you want from life and know how you want to spend your time.

I have always thought that women need to stop drinking themselves into an early physical and emotional death so that we can offer the much-needed balance that seems to be missing in the world right now.

Try this out quickly – think about your last days on the planet, what are the answers to these questions:

  1. What legacy am I leaving behind?
  2. How did I spend my second life after menopause?
  3. Who did I help?
  4. Who did I love with my whole heart?
  5. How does it feel to have been sober for decades?
  6. Did I live my life to the full?

My answers to those questions are all positive ones. What is it going to take for you to be able to answer them just as positively?

As a sober coach, this is where all my focus is; helping you change your life so that it’s easy to answer those questions positively.

If it’s only alcohol standing in the way, let it go my love. You are wasting the best years of your life.

To help you get clear about your relationship with alcohol and your menopause experience I have created a free download just for you: 6 Simple Steps – Get it here.

Much love always, Jules xxx

P.S This seems to be a very well-informed and useful site on all things menopause: A Vogel.

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