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5 Obstacles To Giving Up Alcohol and How to Overcome Them

5 Obstacles To Giving Up Alcohol and How to Overcome Them

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I did a poll amongst my friends recently and asked them what their biggest obstacle was to giving up alcohol for good. Some of the replies where obviously tongue in cheek, like my friend Gary who answered “I require alcohol in order to cope with people telling me how wonderful life is without it”. In the main, however, the rest of the responses were interesting and I will explore those in a moment.

When I was considering giving up alcohol, for me, drinking was the obstacle. Waking most days with a thick head or a hangover meant that I didn’t have the energy or willpower to do the things I really wanted to do with my life. After travelling and working in Asia for over four years, I had moved to Spain to create a lifestyle that gave me the chance to spend time doing all the things I loved to do. I wanted to be that person who wakes up in the morning and meditates, then does some gentle yoga, eats a healthy breakfast, makes some jewellery or writes or reads, before going to work in the afternoon and doing a good job. Drinking was my obstacle to all of that imagined and aspirational joy.

So, in my considerations, I didn’t really pay much attention to what I might have to lose, give up, or face, if I didn’t drink. When I did actually give up, I was so happy with the results – my state of mind, my improved sleep, my energy and bursts of creativity – that even then sobriety didn’t present itself as a problem to be dealt with.

To get a clearer idea of what obstacles others experience, I asked my own friends on Facebook, most of the answers didn’t surprise me.

These are some of the responses I received:

  • Will power
  • Social life/Celebrations/Being sober around drunk people/not being able to socialise on their level
  • Self neglect/self destructive tendencies
  • Pressure from others/Friends
  • Giving up the idea that you won’t experience the ‘warm fuzzies’ or that life wouldn’t be as nice without it

Here are my thoughts on each of those obstacles:

Will Power

I always thought I would never have the will power to give up alcohol. When I occasionally had the ‘giving up talk’ with myself I would instantaneously dismiss the possibility. I didn’t have the will power to do exercise regularly, or avoid eating crisps, or write every day, or to do or not do anything that I knew I should – so why should giving up alcohol be any different? When I started on my first 30 days alcohol free I told myself that I was just trying it and if it didn’t produce the results I was looking for then I would drink again. I was also advised by my lovely friend Sarah, to do just that one thing during the month, to ensure that I didn’t overwhelm myself with too many other challenges.

I honestly never thought I could do it.

What I found was that the rewards of not drinking were so plentiful that I didn’t need willpower, I just needed to not drink and enjoy everything that followed! Why would I deliberately give up feeling this great? For me, the risk and reward was worth it.

What about you? Do you think you don’t have the will power to give up drinking?  I know you do.  I know because there are so many other things that you have worked for, and achieved, in your life through sheer will power. Think back to something you achieved, think about what your thought processes were to push your way through to your goal. Remember how you felt when you achieved it – that sense of accomplishment, that punch the air moment when you realised you had done it. If you can do those things, I know you have the will power to give up alcohol if you really want to.

Social life/Celebrations/Being Sober Around Drunk People

One of our lovely Sobersistas recently attended her brothers 50th birthday party. Before the party she shared with us her fears of being around her family, knowing it would be a big drinking event, and knowing they probably wouldn’t understand her desire to give up – and certainly not to drink on such a special occasion.

She was so happy after the party and reported to us that she had drank mocktails all evening and no-one noticed that she wasn’t drinking alcohol. She did end up having one alcoholic drink by accident when she was misheard asking for a tonic and got a gin and tonic instead! She said that it would have felt churlish to refuse it, plus it would have meant having to explain herself.

Afterwards, she reported back to the group that she was so happy that she had been able to have a lovely time celebrating with her family. Yes, she used avoidance and subterfuge to achieve her aims but it worked for her. Obviously, this maybe wouldn’t work in the long term but I know from what she shared with us that it gave her the confidence to continue exploring a sober life.

When I go to social events now I have to rein in my enthusiasm about how great life is without alcohol. I really don’t care anymore what anyone else thinks of my life choices – my life is mine to do with as I please. Every action I take has consequences, good and bad, and I take responsibility for all of those choices. I have found that I still have a laugh, enjoy myself, get silly – all of the things I did with alcohol – except I go home when it all gets a bit over the top, get a good nights sleep and wake up the next day clear headed and bright.

Do you think your social life will be over if you give up drinking? It won’t be if you don’t want it to be. You can try one night with friends without alcohol and see how you feel, it doesn’t have to be a lifetime choice.

Self Neglect/Self Destructive Tendencies

I abused myself for 40 years with alcohol in an attempt to avoid dealing with an unhappy childhood and a variety of subsequent life stresses that always seemed to pile up. At the bottom of all of the crap I had to wade through, a lack of self worth was the root cause of the drinking, over-eating, failed relationships and blah blah blah. Being sober showed me that I deserve all the same things that everyone does – happiness, contentment, peace of mind and authentic relationships.

I have made huge personal leaps since my first 30 days alcohol free and I feel like I’m closer to being my best self than I have ever done. Prior to that I had done everything to try and overcome the past.  Self help books and courses, meditation, yoga, counselling, writing wishes under the full moon – you name it, I’ve tried it. To a degree, all of these things helped to some level or another, but I can say without hesitation that sobriety has given me a personal boost of confidence that I am never going to give up.

If you feel that your drinking is a symptom of some type of past trauma, I urge you to do whatever it takes to heal. There may be another plane of existence that we all migrate to when this body fails us but until we have proof, I’m living this life, now, to the best of my ability. You deserve to live your best life and if giving up a toxic substance that makes your liver work needlessly hard to deal with, surely it’s worth at least a try? Getting sober will give you a clear mind that will be able to deal with healing your past.

Pressure From Others/Friends

No matter what lifestyle change you feel you need to make to improve your life, you need friends who will support you in your decisions. I haven’t lost any friends, in fact I’ve made lot’s of lovely new ones, since I gave up and suspect you won’t either. I would suggest not giving in to your fear and brave whatever comments anyone will make, confident that you are making the right choice for you. Those that truly love you will still love you – sober or drunk.

Giving up the ‘warm fuzzies’

The prospect of the absence of a ‘nice’ thing in your life is bound to generate some trepidation. How will I relax at the end of the day without my favourite GnT? How will I de-stress after work if I can’t share a bottle of wine and download my crappy day? How will I enjoy my monthly lunch with my favourite friends without our spritzers?

It’s true, a couple of glasses does give you that warm fuzzy feeling, takes the edge off a bad day and initially makes socialising seem a little bit more sparkly. Unfortunately, your liver doesn’t sympathise with you. Unless you are eating a purely organic diet, (and perhaps even then) your liver has to deal with a pretty hefty modern lifestyle in the processed foods, drinks and environment we now consume and live in.

Add alcohol into the mix and your liver is working double time just to stand still.

I know from my own experience that I turned two blind eyes to the health implications of drinking. When I did get around to checking it out I terrified the life out of myself.

I want to be fit any healthy for my kids, my family, my friends and more importantly for me. Don’t you?

There were some other friends who answered my poll by saying they enjoyed the taste of alcohol or just ‘liked it’. I am pretty sure I can’t persuade all of my friends to give up alcohol but if I can help and support one woman to make that life affirming, positive choice, then I will keep banging away on this keyboard.

To my friends who took the time to leave and answers, thank you.

Much love always , Jules xx

P.S. If you are ready for the next step and you want my help to overcome your own obstacles you can work with me on a one to one basis. You can find out more by CLICKING HERE.

The One Thing Women Can Do To Give Up Alcohol For Good

The One Thing Women Can Do To Give Up Alcohol For Good

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I’m in the sober business so I read a lot about sobriety, giving up alcohol and also spend a little time on Facebook Groups – sometimes contributing and sometimes lurking. 

After a few months of doing this I noticed something that I think is a little odd.

Many women are struggling with alcohol to varying degrees – some have been sober for a long time and then lapse back into drinking, whilst others are trying sobriety for the first time.

The comments from women I’ve read are quite common:

‘I’ve been struggling with sobriety for 4 years but I still crave the escape’

‘I keep trying but my will power is zero.’

The self-flagellation many women are inflicting on themselves is heartbreaking to read.

There are some wonderful people on these forums who are always willing to offer advice and support and you can see how the outpouring of positive comments can help someone in need. However, the more I had read, the more I have noticed a repeating pattern in the nature of the helpful advice.

Can you spot the common thread in the selection below?

  • Drink lots of water
  • Take supplements
  • Be kind to yourself
  • Rest plenty
  • See your doctor
  • Find a 12 step meeting
  • Give your wallet to someone
  • Watch TV
  • Acceptance
  • Podcasts

The above are just a tiny sample of the suggestions I have read and all of them are great advice, but….

No-one advises getting to truth of WHY they are drinking.

Nearly all of the advice I have seen is practical in nature – go do something, try a thing, distract yourself – but don’t get to the bottom of why you drink in the first place.

When I first embarked on my first 30 days I didn’t think about WHY I drank either. I knew it was getting in the way of many of the things I wanted to do with my life, and some of my motivation for going alcohol-free was to spend my free time being more productive.

It wasn’t until I was in the midst of my first 30 days that the TRUE reasons I had been drinking for 40 years began to surface. Without alcohol in my system to drown the truth in me, the reasons started jumping out at speed.

I was lonely. I was a bit sad sometimes. I was bored. I was stressed. I was suffering from low self esteem. I was….I was…..I was…… Plenty of reasons to excuse myself with.

Getting sober meant that there was nowhere to hide and once I examined each of my reasons in turn the unvarnished truth of why I drank I realised that they were either not true or things that I could overcome.

Loneliness

Loneliness was a rare feeling for me as I really like my own company a lot, however, but I have the occasional day where I feel incredibly alone. Much of this is to do with the fact that I live alone so those moments of connection that I crave can’t be accessed immediately. Reaching out to loved ones and arranging get togethers are always guaranteed to keep lonely feelings at bay.

Sadness

Sadness was natural as I had come out of a relationship a year or so before I gave up and just had days of feeling sad about the loss of a potentially different life, so I drank to make the sadness go away. It’s a part of being human and everyone feels it sometimes. Being sobersad is so much better because I just sit and cry, or watch a weepy movie, accept that today is a sad day in the knowledge that tomorrow won’t be.

Boredom

Boredom was just ridiculous. I was bored because, most days, I either had a thick head or a full blown hangover and couldn’t be bothered to do any of the things I loved to do like meditate, read, make jewellery, write, etc etc. That one was just a ‘get over yourself’ cure.

Stress

Stress had already become a thing of the past by the time I was looking for the answers to why I drank. I had already sailed through a couple of pretty stressful situations and had realised that having alcohol in my system made every stressful situation so much worse than it actually was – so that one kind of fixed itself.

Low Self Esteem

Low self-esteem was something I had lived with my whole life. But as I got sober, I began to see that I had been needlessly hanging on to all the reasons I had low self esteem in order to keep myself from having to change into someone truly happy. Ironically, the alcohol had been making a huge contribution to my poor view of myself and without it there was nowhere to hide. So I really had no choice but to get happy.

Acceptance

Once I had absorbed, answered, cried over and accepted all the truths of why I drank my need for alcohol evaporated. Since then the clarity I have every day makes dealing with any personal problems so much easier – yes I do still have them – but they are all manageable and just a normal part of my life now. In a funny way, I kind of enjoy it when I have a problem now. I always know I will be able to overcome it and it’s like a little game I play with myself to see how long it will take or what steps I will take to fix it.

Kick Yourself When You’re Down

As women, we seem to be more pre-disposed to kick ourselves when we are already down. In doing so we lose ourselves in our misery and our drinking and we drink more to forget why we feel so bad. Everyone woman I have encountered who is exploring the possibility of sobriety is strong, determined, feisty and wise. They all know that there is a better version of themselves as a mother, sister, daughter, wife and woman, than they will never find in the bottom of a bottle.

What About You?

What about you? Have you tried and failed to stop drinking? Have you tried all the distraction tricks to take your mind of your withdrawal symptoms? Do you find yourself craving alcohol even though you’ve been sober for a while? Is your sobriety a daily challenge rather than the best gift you ever gave yourself?

Unless you get to the truth of WHY you drink, it’s possible that you will always struggle with sobriety. Like any bad habit we have, digging out the root of the problem and dealing with it, is more likely to kill it for good.

If you don’t know the answer right now try this journal prompt:

 

Journal Prompt: The reason I drink alcohol is…

 

I promise you, there is an amazing life out there for you. A life of exciting adventures, love, joy and most important of all – memories that will stay with you forever.

Much love always, Jules xxx

How To Tell Other People You're Not Drinking

How To Tell Other People You’re Not Drinking

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I started Sobersistas a little while ago and I have been genuinely humbled by the wonderful women who have joined me on this quest to develop a better life without alcohol.

Recently, a wonderfully feisty and passionate Sobersista started her post with this opening paragraph:

Rant

“This rant is in response to posts I’ve seen expressing the awkwardness of having to explain to people, why people have chosen or are choosing not to drink alcohol. First of all, it’s totally ludicrous. No one feels any need to explain why they aren’t smoking cigarettes, taking heroin or cocaine or meth or any other drug. Let’s say, even coffee. And yet, the pressure to drink alcohol is outrageous. That fact, in and by itself, suggests there is something very very wrong.”

This clearly resonated with many other Sobersistas because the comments came thick and fast. Here’s a small selection:

“My friend has posted in FB recently because she has given up alcohol and everyone asks her ‘why’ then tries to psychoanalyse her, she feels justified to say that going through the menopause means she’s less tolerant with alcohol, she’s also studying part-time and has a lot of assignments etc on top of a full-time job so wants to keep a clear head. I feel sad that she’s had to justify it.”

“I can go out and have a good time without a drink and people think it’s weird!”

“Even my sister, who has never really been much of a drinker, was aghast when I told her I don’t think I’ll be drinking on my all-inclusive holiday in August.”

“I have found resistance from friends who think I am taking an extreme stance by saying no more.”

“I think this all the time and try explaining it to people but can be like talking to a brick wall.”

Not Sharing

I have had conversations with women who said that because they know what other peoples responses will be, they haven’t shared their sobriety challenge with anyone and won’t share any posts or group links on Facebook or other social media sites for the same reasons.

Unfriend Me

I have experienced the same kinds of responses amongst my own friends on Facebook however, I have no fear of sharing. In giving up alcohol I have become the best version of myself I have ever been and if you don’t want to be my friend because of that then I wish you well but I’m not going to drink alcohol just to make you feel comfortable.

Be Kind

I know that much of the resistance comes from those who know that they also drink too much and are not and may never be ready to look at their own drinking. By sharing your story you are holding up a mirror to them that they don’t want to look into, and that’s fine. I’m never going to be negative towards anyone for their drinking even if they are negative towards me because I don’t.

Exercise kindness and compassion to those who react negatively. They aren’t living your life and don’t understand the negative impact it’s having.

Here are a few tips to help you tell others you’re not drinking:

Get The Mood Right – If you offer a slightly defensive or embarrassed explanation of your choice it’s like you’re opening the door for people to walk in and have something to say. Be positive about this choice you’re making and say instead: “It’s brilliant and I’m loving it. I’m so excited about the future!”

Don’t Explain – it’s no-ones business except your own what you choose to put in your body. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and if you’re pushed you can just say “I’m just not” and shrug your shoulders. Treat the whole topic lightly and don’t bring your private feelings of shame and guilt into the conversation.

Friends – From an evolutionary perspective we fear being shunned from our groups because, when we lived in caves, it would mean certain death. Recognise that this is where you fear truly is. In reality, the people who truly love you always will regardless of whether you drink or not. If you are shunned from your friendship group rejoice that you have found out that these are NOT your friends and start looking for new ones.

Family – Some families are weird and think you should drink when they drink. Remember that this is your choice and you’re not doing anything bad. If you can, avoid them until you’re feeling a little stronger and are able to explain your decision. However, no matter what your relationship with your family is, good, bad or indifferent, they don’t own you and can’t dictate whether you drink or not. If necessary lie, tell them it’s medical or work or anything that works for you.

Lie – As I keep saying, your choice to stop drinking is no-ones business but your own so if you need to lie so you don’t have to explain then do. It’s your body, your mental health and your life.

Partners – If you have a partner who drinks and is still planning to, I would strongly suggest that you just put yourself in a little quiet bubble and focus on your own sobriety. If you are faced with a partner offering you a drink or bringing it home for you try this: Put your hand on your heart, muster all the love you have for them, look them directly in the eyes and say “I love you, I’m not leaving you, but no.”. Many partners fear the change that’s coming and assume it will be bad without having thought it through.

Colleagues – If you feel the pressure to drink after work with colleagues, don’t go. Again, lie if need be. Or, go and have 2 soft drinks and leave because by then everyone will have drunk too much to care if you’re drinking or not – or even there! If they ask why you’re not drinking just keep it light. You can say “I’ve heard on the grapevine there’s a promotion coming and I want to do everything I can to get it.”  OR “I’m sick of being crap at my job and being stressed over it.” Don’t make a big deal about it and they won’t either.

Be Patient – The more time you spend sober, the more benefits you start to experience, the less you will care about what others say or think. Give it time and everyone will eventually come around. Or they won’t and it will be good that they are no longer in your life (because what a stupid reason!!!).

Hold Your Head Up

I guess you will have picked up by now that I never advocate apologising for this positive lifestyle choice. You own your body and your mind and are free to do with it whatever you choose without reference to anyone else. Of course, you will need to live with the consequences of any choice you make but when you get sober I promise you those consequences are all positive – even the ones that might seem negative in the beginning.

Be An Example

My take on this is as follows:

We need to remember that we are the vanguard of a new movement which, one day, will be responsible for putting alcohol on a much lower societal footing. One day it will be odd/bad/disapproved of to be a drinker. In the meantime, when friends, loved ones and acquaintances question, cajole and generally draw attention to your non-drinking status, be kind and loving. Be a sobriety example that everyone wants to follow. Live an outstanding life that you are consciously creating and constantly give credit to your sobriety. One day they will all join us here. We’re changing the world. Let’s do it with love, compassion and a healthy dose of natural feisty femininity. Own your story and be out and proud about your sobriety.

If you would like some one to one support, I offer coaching which you can read more about HERE.

There are some quick one-liners you can memorise in this blog ’30 Ways To Deal With Alcohol Bullies’ that you might find helpful too. CLICK HERE TO READ

With love always, Jules xx

Get your free 5 Top Tips here: https://bit.ly/3iSuqGL

Alcohol and my Depression

Alcohol And My Depression

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I thought seriously about taking my own life once. Twice actually. It was a long time ago and I had Post Natal Depression.

The Wrong Bus

However, no matter how black and endless life seemed at that moment, the thought of never seeing my children again stopped me from going through with it. As I write this I am sitting in the bus station in Almeria, Spain with tears in my eyes, trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the cafe in case they come and ask me if I’m okay. I shouldn’t actually be here right now. I should have gotten another bus but my lack of Spanish meant that I got on the wrong bus, at the wrong bus station and ended up with an hour to spare. I love the way life works out sometimes.

My Traumas

It happened thirty years ago and over the years I’ve always been pretty pragmatic about those black nine months. ‘I had Post Natal Depression and thought about taking my life.’ Of course, there were times when I told the story with all of the gory, weird detail that goes with that particular level of blackness but overall it just became part of my back story. Part of the unhappy childhood/acrimonious divorce/stressful jobs/broken relationships story that accounted for my frequent low moods, my overeating and my drinking. I mean, I had all this awful ‘trauma’ to share, and it made me special, interesting and different from you because – well – you had a happy childhood didn’t you? You didn’t suffer like I did, did you?

Such Ego

Of course, logically, I always knew that you had suffered some sort of trauma too because so many of us do in some form or another. But I was special. I was different. I had lots of trauma, so many awful things that gave me the opportunity to show you how strong I was. I wore my Poor Me/Strong Me badge with such pride. Such ego. Such fantastical, inflated ego.

But then I read this passage from Manifest Your Destiny by Dr Wayne Dyer: 

The inclination to bond to our wounds rather than move past them traps us in a constant state of feeling unworthy. A person who has experienced traumatic events in life, such as sexual abuse, the death of loved ones, traumatic illnesses, accidents, family disruption, drug addictions and the like, can become bonded with the past painful events and replay them for attention or pity. These wounds of our lives can seem to give us an enormous power over others.

The more we tell others about our wounds and our suffering, the more we create an atmosphere of pity for ourselves. Our creative spirit remains so connected to our memories of woundedness that it cannot be about the business of transforming and manifesting. A feeling of being unworthy of receiving all that one desires is the result.

Very often the tale of these woes is told in the first few moments with a sort of urgency for the listener to know how horrible the wounding was and still is. After a while the ego uses this energy as a power play in individual and group situations that encourage discussion of one’s struggle to survive the wounding. This can keep individuals from advancing spiritually and can reinforce the image of themselves as unfortunate.

The tendency to bond with the wounds of our lives reminds us of how unworthy we are of receiving anything that we really would like because we remain in a state of suffering. The more these painful stories are recalled and repeated, the more the person is guaranteed of not attracting his or her desires.

…..

Notice your body when it is wounded. An open wound actually closes quite quickly. Just imagine what it would be like if that wound remained open for a long time. It would become infected and ultimately would kill the entire organism. The closing up of a wound and allowing it to heal can work the same way in your inner world of thoughts.

The Veil Has Fallen

Now that I am free from alcohol, I can clearly see who I am. The veil has finally fallen from my eyes, and I can see all the good and bad that I have done to get through the days. Have I had moments like this before? Definitely, and I have celebrated each one of those as another question that’s been answered or another realisation that hits like a bolt of lightning. But, then I would go and drink again and that moment of clarity would fog up in yet another hangover, never quite going away but never quite fulfilling its potential.

No More Excuses

This is different. This is a joyful, freeing moment, which acknowledges that whilst those ‘traumas’ will always be part of my stories, they are not the excuses that hold me back or drive me forward any longer.

What drives me now is life. Living it, loving it, and seeing everything with a childlike enthusiasm that’s addictive.

What Are Your Stories?

But what about you, your traumas, your stories? Do you think alcohol helps you cope with your sexual abuse, your broken marriage, your debt, your lost love? I promise you it doesn’t. But you already know that, don’t you? You know that alcohol is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of the knife that’s in your heart. It’s the thing that keeps that pain in a sufficiently soporific state so it doesn’t have the energy to rear its ugly head long enough for you to have to deal with it once and for all.

Maybe You’re Not Ready

Maybe that’s because you’re not ready, and that’s totally fine. You need to do whatever it takes to make your life have meaning and purpose, in whichever way you see fit. If that’s drinking alcohol, taking drugs, running around naked or knitting yoghurt and this means you’ve found your thing – then great. Keep doing that. Obviously, there are consequences to every choice we make, some more severe than others and whilst I would never encourage you to do anything that would ultimately harm you, I respect your right to choose your own coping method.

Is Alcohol Really Helping You?

However, my guess is that maybe because you’ve found this, you’re beginning to realise that alcohol just isn’t helping anymore. Maybe there is some ugly little troll of fear that’s sitting in a corner of your heart, whispering that you can’t do without it, that you won’t be able to tell your stories, that you won’t know who you are, that you won’t be interesting anymore, that your support network will disappear overnight.

I am not saying that you can just stop drinking and ‘hey presto’, it’s all fixed.

But it might be.

I think it was Alan Watts who said the biggest sadness of the human experience is that we spend a lifetime searching for the answers which we can actually know in an instant. Sounds easy I suppose, but I think our own instantaneous moment will come to us only when we are ready, and that’s all part of the process.

Are You Ready To Change Your Story?

Are you ready to change the story? When I stopped drinking I decided to stop for 30 days and, most importantly, I also decided not to change anything else. I carried on with all my other crutches and bad habits to make sure I didn’t overwhelm myself and, ultimately, fail. I have spoken to quite a few women who have responded to this advice with ‘well I’ve given up for a month before so I know I can do it’ and if you’re in the same situation and want to try again I would suggest that this time, you set yourself a different intention.

Can You Set A Different Intention?

It’s easy to give up something for 30 days knowing that you can start again. So, this time, set your expectations that you are trying 30 days alcohol free with the intention that you are exploring life without it permanently. Every day ask yourself….

How do I feel today, knowing I will never drink alcohol again?

Perhaps, in the early days, you will have some withdrawal symptoms that make clear thinking a bit of a struggle. So just leave that question for a better day, because there will be one. Only you will know whether the answers that come to you are the right ones.

My Purpose

I no longer have the desire to drown, anaesthetise or blind myself to my problems. Clear and sober, my issues have not lost their significance but they have been re-framed so that they are put in their proper place – in the past. It’s time to accept this gift of life, be grateful for it every day and do what I can to help you. Because, you are now my purpose, via Sobersistas.

Our Sobersistas Membership Group on Facebook is a closed, safe space where you can explore the possibility of sobriety, without judgement. Everyone in the group is caring, loving and supportive and will be there for you in the same way that you will be there for your fellow Sobersistas when you can.

Can Sobriety Solve Your Depression?

I know that overcoming your depression may not be solved by sobriety but if you think it’s part of the reason then I can only say that you deserve to try 30 days to see how you feel at the end of it. Obviously, it’s important to consult your doctor to ensure that you will be safe during this time.

In re-framing my depression I can now say a joyful thank you to my two amazing children for saving my life. I know it’s taken 30 years to understand this but I will be grateful to them both forever.

I’m changing my story. Do you want to change yours?

With love, Jules xx

P.S. If you’re ready to change your story you can join us in my private membership group, Find out more here. 

Why You Constantly Fail at Moderating Your Drinking

Why You Constantly Fail at Moderating Your Drinking

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‘Moderation in all things’ is a well known saying that can be credited to the Ancient Greek philosophers and Oscar Wilde in more recent times. I’ve always thought the word moderation had a dullness to it that made me never want to moderate – ever. To me it suggests that feeling of ‘almost but not quite’.

Of course, when it comes to alcohol, moderation is incredibly sensible and I have met many, many people over the course of my life who naturally moderate their intake without giving it a great deal of thought.

Many women join Sobersistas with the intention of being able to have a spell of sobriety so that alcohol becomes a ‘controlled substance’ in their lives and, once this is achieved, establish a moderate drinking habit so that they can rejoin the world and drink like everyone else.

I often read posts where women are exasperated at not being able to stop at ‘just one or two’ drinks. They believe that they are incapable of any level of control and that as soon as the bottle of wine is open, all the willpower in the world isn’t going to stop them from finishing every last drop. Of course, there are also the women who post who have been sober for a long spell of time and are considering moderation and ask for advice.

In running Sobersistas since 2017 I have learned a few things about moderation and I hope what follows gives you some insight into why it may be a problem and why, more importantly, it’s not your fault that you can’t do it.

Why Moderate?

It can be helpful if you spend time getting clear about why you want to moderate. If you are in Sobersistas and you’ve been drinking too much and decided it’s time for change, your first task needs to be understanding why you drink in the first place. There are often multiple and complex reasons why women drink and truly understanding this can unlock some old trauma that you’ve been drowning with alcohol or it may be that you’ve just gotten into a habit that’s now out of hand.

Once you are clear about why you drink, you can get clear about why you want to moderate. Asking yourself what reward will you receive from moderating, or what you perceive your life will be like will be helpful in gaining that clarity. Do you want to moderate so that you can feel part of the crowd? Or that it feels somehow adult to be able to moderate successfully? Or is that in choosing total abstinence, you will feel in your mind that you are an alcoholic, and that’s not acceptable?

Whatever your driver for wishing to moderate, clarity of mind is key in being able to decide how you want your life to be and this is easy to achieve once you are sober. It’s always going to be quite difficult to understand your own motivations when you are still suffering from the anxiety and depression that accompanies heavy drinking.

Here are two journal prompts that will help you gain the clarity you need.

I drink alcohol because…

I would like to moderate my drinking because…

Unicorn People

I have sometimes likened successful moderate drinkers to unicorn people. Who are these fabled individuals who can have two small beers with a curry and not have any more? Who are these women who can have one glass of wine with dinner and drink lots of water and go home satisfied?

You have no idea what is going on in the lives of other women. You don’t know that the one glass of wine in public is a ‘show’ and they go home and open a bottle and finish it. You don’t know if they moderate because their partners are heavy drinkers or alcoholics and they need to stay in control or drive. You don’t know if they actually don’t want to drink at all but cave in to the pressure to drink that many of us have experienced at one time or another. You don’t know if they genuinely don’t have an issue with alcohol and enjoy one glass with dinner. You just don’t know.

Comparing ourselves to others is a wasteful and pointless exercise. Your life may have similarities to other women but you are unique in the full set of your circumstances, emotional drivers to drink and reasons why you want to release alcohol from your life.

I Can’t Just Have One Or Two

Have you beaten yourself up about your inability to just have one or two drinks? Have you felt ashamed, useless or both because you intended to have one glass of wine and ended up finishing the bottle?

It’s easy to beat yourself up isn’t it? There are too many women in the world who do this as an automatic reaction to things not being the way we think they should be. But, what if it isn’t a failing on your part that you can’t stop once you start?

It doesn’t take many units before alcohol is doing what it is designed to do. An article on Health 24 states: ‘Drinking less than half a glass of alcohol an hour is enough to suppress the functions of the frontal lobes which control your inhibitions, self-control, willpower, ability to judge and concentration.’ You can read the full article here.

If you’re sitting on the sofa pouring your home-sized measures and you’ve had two glasses, you won’t have the self-control to be able to stop. Is that your fault? Perhaps you can take responsibility for that first 2 unit drink but once that first glass is down and you continue to drink you will revert back to your usual habit of drinking too much. This doctor explains how much alcohol it takes to get drunk: click here.

The Brain Loves a Habit

In order to help you, your brain recognises regular behaviour and shortcuts your need to think about how to do things by creating a habit for you. Your brain doesn’t differentiate between good and bad habits. It simply recognises patterns and automates tasks so that you have enough processing power to ensure you don’t get eaten by a sabre tooth tiger. This is why you can drive home from work after doing it several hundred times and not remember the journey.

Breaking our bad habits is the hard work. For me, this is why I never recommend trying to moderate whilst enjoying being sober.

It’s Exhausting

Moderation requires a lot of energy. You will need to decide how much you are going to drink and when. You will need to track how many units you have had and make sure you plan ahead so that you have enough units in the bank to be able to ‘enjoy yourself’ at your friends birthday bash. Plus, you will need to keep track of how many units you’ve had every week.

When you go over your self imposed limits, what then? Are you going to give yourself a hard time and think f*ck it and just give up moderation as too difficult to achieve? Probably.

It’s exhausting constantly counting and justifying to yourself this one drink or that three.

I have seen many women attempt moderation in the group, disappear for a while and come back saying how they started well but ultimately ended up drinking more than they were before they stopped. This usually happens around the 3 to 6 month mark where women feel over confident and think they have it under control.

Not drinking at all creates a freedom of mind and spirit that enables you to live an amazing life that doesn’t need alcohol to ‘enhance’ it because it’s already brilliant.

Be Careful of the Void

One of the things I hear many Sobersistas say is that they can’t imagine what life will be like without alcohol. The reality is that drinking alcohol and it’s associated activities take an enormous amount of time and money out of your life. The average number of hours women spend drinking each week is 35! A whole week’s work! Plus, the amount of money they spend can be equivalent to an extra household income.

When this amount of time and money suddenly lands back in your lap, if you don’t take action to do something with it, it can often feel like you’ve replaced alcohol with the most boring life ever! What will you do in the evening if you can’t sit and ‘connect’ with your partner over a couple of bottles of lovely chardonnay? It can feel like you’re staring into a endless, joyless void.

This is the reason I have heard most often as the justification for attempting to moderate. It’s how you have fun, it’s how you relax at the end of the week, on and on I see reasons for keeping alcohol around when the possibility of what life can be like without has never been explored.

If you use this wonderful gift of time you’ve given yourself to do something you’ve always wanted to do then alcohol will disappear just like that narcissistic boyfriend that you hung onto for too long. The freedom and relief you will experience will be something you never want to let go of.

Not Caring About Alcohol

This, for me, is the real challenge. Doing the work to get yourself to the point of not caring about alcohol one way or another is key in knowing whether you can moderate or not. I’ve been sober now for two years and I know I could moderate if I wanted to because I don’t care about alcohol one way or the other. It no longer has any control over me and I no longer desire the sensation of ‘relaxation’ and ‘stress relief’ that I used to believe alcohol gave me.

The reality is I just don’t care enough about it to want it. I don’t eat meat either because I care about animals and I don’t drink alcohol because, finally, I care about myself.

These days relaxation is defined by having a nice cup of tea and reading a book and stress relief is no longer necessary as sobriety has brought me a sense of clarity and peace that means I rarely get stressed about anything.

It is possible for you to get to this stage of alcohol having no pull or meaning in your mind, however in my experience this feeling can sometimes take time to develop in you. So many Sobersistas report that ‘it just clicked’ with them that they no longer need alcohol in their lives. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be a typical length of time when this happens once you’ve given up.

For me, it was around the 3-week mark that I realised I would never drink again. The freedom I felt was exhilarating and, to this day, I still feel this way. Yes, I could moderate if I wanted to but I don’t want that poison messing with my mind, heart and soul anymore. This feeling that I wake up to every day is priceless.

Kindness and Patience

It breaks my heart every time I read a comment from a Sobersista where she beats herself up about her apparent inability to give up or moderate.

If this is you, what if it’s the very shame and guilt that you feel that is holding you back from giving up? No-one wants to feel these horrible feelings and this is why we use alcohol to make them go away. What if it’s the alcohol that is creating this feeling of guilt and shame, not something that is inherent within you?

Being kind with yourself and understanding that this process may take a little time is a much gentler way of approaching your sobriety. In our instant gratification society, it’s easy to be impatient with yourself but you need to remember that your lovely mind is going to take a little time to establish your new habits.

Accountability

White knuckling your way through getting sober so that you can decide whether you want to moderate isn’t going to work. You need to hold yourself accountable for creating an amazing new life so that you can make the decision in joy, not desperation.

Being in the group is a natural accountability space but there is one key element to this – you need to post when you don’t want to.  The shame you feel from drinking and letting yourself down will instinctively make you want to hide but this is the moment when you need to step forward and ask to be held accountable. You know you will be met with love, compassion and kindness and lots of good advice on how to move forward.

Choose the Joyful Path

Whether you decide to moderate or not, I would urge you to choose a joyful path for yourself that sets you free of the burden of alcohol so that you can confidently take back control of your life and live it on your own terms. There is a peaceful, happy life out there for you. I promise.

With over 3 years of experience of running this group, here’s what I have learned. Moderation is possible IF you can say with your hand on your heart that you don’t care about alcohol one way or the other. One of the real issues I see over and over again is that women give themselves the wonderful gift of sobriety but continue living the same lives as they were when they were drinking so there is always an empty space where alcohol used to be.

If you take your sobriety and use it to live whatever, different, amazing life you want to live, then alcohol will become unimportant. It achieves the same status as anything else you choose not to eat or drink. Contrary to what a lot of people might think, I’m not against alcohol per se, I’m just FOR you taking advantage of your sobriety so that you can live a life that makes you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot.

I have seen countless women try moderation, leave the group and come back some months later drinking more than they were the first time they gave up. This is because in giving up the first time, sobriety has been treated as a deprivation and they felt they were always missing out.

If I wasn’t running Sobersistas I would be doing something equally brilliant that would fill my heart with passion and joy. I’m not saying something is missing from your life, but if you are considering moderation, what is it you’re really searching for? For most of us it’s connection and love – which will never be found in a bottle.

With love, Jules xx

Sober Sex

Sober Sex

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When we drink we are often chasing feelings of love and connection. The alcohol advertising industry tells us that this is what drinking gives us. They tell us that when we drink we will have romantic moments where we can be vulnerable and connected to our partners and that the lubrication it offers will bring couples closer together. 

Of course, the reality is very different.

I don’t suppose I am much different from most women who grew up drinking regularly.  In my younger days, Friday nights were designated ‘nights on the lash’ – a beer and rock night head-banging fest that would involve hunting men down with my ‘pulling pants’ on, a confident witty line and a sexy flip of the hair. In reality, I suspect I looked like a camel toe sporting, slurring drooler, who stumbled off to the loo desperate for a pee. (I have a ridiculously tiny bladder which alcohol just made worse.)

As I got older I convinced myself that it gave me confidence. As a pretty shy person, I think in some respects it did actually give me some confidence to talk to men I would never have had the courage to otherwise.  I had a pretty poor view of men for a variety of reasons but still craved that intimacy that I was lacking. So, on most nights out when I had passed that inevitable point of one too many, my default drunk position in relation to men was ‘belligerent slut’. I would be horrible to men, practically daring them to sleep with me. I was rude, mean and sometimes downright unpleasant.  Needless to say, I didn’t get laid that often.

When I did, they were always completely the wrong person for me.

I fell for it all. I had those special rose-tinted beer goggles that always let me down. The guilt and shame I felt after an encounter was often crippling and I would beat myself up about it for weeks afterwards.

About 15 years ago I ended a particularly toxic relationship.  Alcohol hadn’t been the main problem we had but it was definitely a major contributing factor. He drank a lot and so sex was off the cards most of the time, which didn’t help with maintaining any intimacy in the relationship.

When it finally ended I felt that my judgement in regard to men was pretty poor and I also felt that my ability to find/choose/keep a good man was non-existent. I decided to give myself a one-year break from relationships altogether because I felt that I needed to sort my head out and get clear about what I wanted. As I mulled everything over I came to understand that I had been drunk in pretty much every first encounter I had had over the years.

I did carry on drinking but my one-year relationship break turned into an unplanned ten-year engagement with near celibacy. I just didn’t trust myself not to try to make a relationship out of a one-night stand in case I got my heart broken. To be fair I wasn’t 100% celibate for those ten years. There was a brief relationship and there were a few dating encounters that included sex but never went anywhere and I can count them on one hand (and not include my thumb and pinky finger!).

How did I manage it, you ask? Do you think I have a will of iron?  Not so. Much greater than my determination to make better dating choices for myself was my gut churning fear of making a fool of myself in public. I had done some stupid things when I was drunk and around the time I stopped looking for a relationship I began to develop this fear of being too drunk in front of others. Obviously, it didn’t always happen that way but for the most part, I would always aim to go home remembering the entire evening, and if I felt I hadn’t drunk enough while I was out, I would top-up when I got home.

That led to a lot of drinking at home so my chances of meeting anyone was almost zero.

My big shift in relation to my view of sex happened during my time in Taiwan. I lived there for three and a half years and the expat community in my city was pretty tight. There was a big drinking culture and there was also a reasonable amount of sex being partaken of.  It seemed indiscriminate and very little thought given to who anyone was doing it with – as long as the sex was happening frequently enough.

One day, this thought wandered into my mind and just got stuck there….”sex is the most intimate thing you can do with another person and if you’re going to do it you need to do it with someone you really like or love.”  Wherever that thought came from I just felt like I had found the answer to my conflicts around sex.

Once I stopped drinking a couple of years later, that thought became my mantra.

I love being sober and single. I love my own space and the peace and contentment I live in. I guess it might be quite nice to meet someone but he is going to have to be specifically, weirdly brilliant for me to allow him into my life. If I ever do meet someone, I am so confident in myself that I know, whilst it might be a bit nerve-wracking the first time I know I will be doing it with the right person, so, it will be wonderful.

Your Sex Life

I know there is a ton of information out there about the effects of alcohol on your sex life and you can find plenty of it on the internet, so I’m not going to bore you with that.  For me, the most important aspect of this is the emotional impact that alcohol might be having on your sex life at the moment. Have you lost interest in sex? Do you do things when you are drunk that you wouldn’t do in a million years if you had been sober? Do you fear sober first-time sex?

Being sober, open and vulnerable with your partner might feel terrifying where you are at the moment, however, the more sober you become the more confident you will feel.

Think back to those evenings that were meant to be romantic and connected but got totally ruined by too much alcohol. Staying sober for those moments is wonderful for both of you.

Getting sober doesn’t have to mean the end to rampant, sexy weekends in gorgeous country cottages. The more sober you become the more confident you become and I have never met a man yet who didn’t love a confident, sexy woman who knows what she wants.

Sobriety offers you the opportunity to connect with your partner in a way you’ve never done before, and it also gives you the chance to experience sex in a way that is truly authentic to you and what you really want. As you become more confident in your sobriety it becomes easier to have a conversation with your partner about sex in a calm, clear way and agree on what you both need.

Don’t assume that men don’t yearn for the kind of connection that we do. Sometimes men mistake sex for connection but when you’re sober you can show them what true intimacy really looks and feels like.

Take charge lady. Wear your fancy underwear on a week day and let him know you are.

Confidence isn’t coming. It’s already here if you choose to allow it.

Love always, Jules xx