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How a basket can help you with your cravings

Find out how a basket can help you with your cravings

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When your cravings hit you, in that moment, they can feel overwhelming and like you will never be able to get through the feeling without giving in.

The most important thing to remember about cravings is that they pass. On average it takes about 10-15 minutes or so. Of course, the challenge is what do you do during those 15 minutes without driving yourself crazy?

If you do a little bit of planning, you can set yourself up with a basket and a few key items that will not only help you get through those few minutes but will help you with your MLT (most loving thing) approach to giving up.

Create a Project You Basket

A Project You Basket is filled with all of the things that you can do that will make you feel really good about yourself. Here is a picture of a few things that you could start filling your basket with:

How to Use Your Project You Basket

 

JOURNAL

Slow down the rush of thoughts by writing out how you feel. You can create some necessary control and distance from your crazy monkey mind by journaling. Its incredibly powerful to see your thoughts in front of you and is sure to reveal something you previously weren’t aware of.  Start your journaling with…The reason I feel like drinking right now is because…

BOOK

Read a book. It doesn’t have to be a quitlit book either. Something that’s a distraction might be better. It could be about health. I’m reading an excellent book by Jessie Inchauspe called Glucose Revolution. Of course, you could read a great novel that is really absorbing. I can always rely on Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen to transport me to another place and time. 

MEDITATE 

Take 15 minutes to sit quietly and meditate. Hold the beads in your hand and move one bead at a time through your fingers and focus on counting the beads. Start from one again if you lose count. If meditation isn’t your thing, try some mindful breathing to bring yourself into the present moment. You can also listen to a guided visualisation to help inspire you to stay sober. I created a Future You Guided Visualisation for that very reason. Listen Here. 

HAND CREAM

Put a huge dollop of hand cream onto your hands and give yourself a gentle hand massage. If you pump out around 3 times your usual amount it will take quite a while before it’s absorbed in. The great thing about this is that you can’t drink while you’re doing it.

SOFA SPA

Give yourself an at-home spa that will make you feel really special. Rehydrate your face, make your feet soft as a baby’s, give yourself a pedicure and paint your nails.

DREAM JAR

Create a dream jar. Get small pieces of paper and write all of your dreams on them, fold them up and put them in your jar. When you feel a craving happening, review your dreams and remind yourself of the reasons you want to stop drinking.

SOBERSISTAS WORKBOOKS

I think over the years I have created a gazillion free workbooks. They have all been created to help you deal with some aspect of Project You. You can check out my website page for the current freebies HERE.

MY 30 DAY SOBRIETY JOURNAL

You can also keep my journal in your basket too.

I created My 30 Day Sobriety Journal to help you with your first 30 sober days. It is jam-packed with content and for only £13.99 it’s the cost of a couple of bottles of wine or one bottle depending on your tastes – it’s a steal! Read more about it HERE.

Personalise your Project You Basket

There are lots of other things you can keep in your Project You Basket that will inspire you to ease yourself past your cravings. Here are some other ideas:
  • A bottle of water – when you’re craving, you may be dehydrated.
  • Chocolate or something healthier like nuts – sometimes you’re just hungry.
  • Sudoku – or other puzzle books.
  • Knitting – or crocheting or a mandala colouring book – anything that would keep your hands busy.

Location, Location, Location

Placing your basket in the right location is critical. There is no point in putting it by your bed if you are like me and don’t hang around in your bedroom. You could put it next to your usual sofa spot or under the coffee table if it’s in front of you. Take a few moments to think about where you do most of your drinking and what the best place for your basket will be. Find a spot that makes it easy to access it.

What’s in Your Project You Basket?

I would love to know what you would put in your Project You Basket. If you have a great idea, I would love to hear from you so that I can share it with your fellow Sobersistas. You can get in touch via jules@sobersistas.co.uk.

Much love always, Jules xxx

Female Identity - Who Are You If You're Sober?

Female Identity – Who Are You If You’re Sober?

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Who am I?

It’s the question of human existence that could never produce an answer that we would all agree on.

If you have a shred of self-awareness, you may ask the question more often than others, but even if you ask yourself on a regular basis, you’re unlikely to get a clear answer – and even if you do get an answer it’s likely to be different from the last time you asked.

Because we change.

It’s one of the prime movers of living a human life. Something small or life-changing happens to make you stop and think and Hey Presto!, your perspective on who you are has changed.

Your Preferences

You changed when you realised you preferred kissing boys, or girls, or both. You changed when you fell in love. You changed when you gave birth. You changed when your last child finally left home. You changed when you walked out of the relationship or job that was making you miserable.

It’s the natural rhythm of living.

Despite these changes, obviously, we all have core characteristics that stay with us for life. I’ve been called stubborn since I was a kid. Personally, I always countered that accusation with ‘I just know what I want and what I don’t’, but I’ve never been able to convince anyone to my way of thinking. Which I think means that I’m being stubborn!

That said, I would be mortified to think I was the same person that I was when I was younger – to me it would signify that I had been through some pretty tough life lessons, learned nothing and changed nothing.

Who Are You As A Drinker?

As a heavy drinker, the ‘who am I?’ question got asked pretty rarely, partly because I was too thick-headed or hungover to ask or, worse, I avoided it because I knew I wouldn’t like the answer. Drinking alcohol for me was an escape from myself, a way of blinding myself to my best qualities because I didn’t feel good enough. I lost who I was in alcohol because I didn’t even like myself – loving myself never even crossed my mind.

I remember the week I moved house when I lived in Spain. Through a combination of poor planning and the sometimes lovely weirdness of Spain and my lack of Spanish I found myself with no internet access for an entire week. Inevitably the release from endless scrolling left me with a rather a lot of headspace. I’m usually pretty good at keeping myself occupied with the various projects I’m always into but there’s only so much occupation I could force on myself before internetless thinking time took over.

Thinking about my identity as a sober woman sometimes made me feel very uncomfortable. Yes, I’ve had rare moments of clarity despite the drinking, and I’ve tried examining the various stages of my life and thought about who I was at that time – daughter, wife, mother, girlfriend, manager, business owner, yoga teacher, but none of those states or situations has had the deeply profound effect that being a sober woman has had.

There Is Nowhere To Hide

Because now I have nowhere to hide. I can’t distract myself with a glass of wine, a night out with the girls or even a hangover. I am here, laid bare to myself, and I when I look in the mirror, that bloatless, happy woman just looks back at me with a knowing smile, quietly waiting for me to fully wise up.

Being sober means whatever thinking I do around my identity, the answers I get are going to be pretty authentic and certainly not clouded by an alcoholic haze or muddled up with shame and guilt. Being sober means I have nothing and no one to blame – of course, I never had anything to blame when I drank but it didn’t stop me trying to blame everyone else and his granny and convincing myself I was right.

Blah Blah Blah

In the past, I would, like most women and maybe like you, hide behind my insecurities and whine and moan about how I couldn’t lose weight because blah blah blah, how I couldn’t find a relationship because blah blah blah, how I couldn’t earn the kind of money I wanted because blah blah blah, how my family were stressing me out blah blah blah. But I can’t do that anymore.

I couldn’t even have an ‘I deserve it’ cream cake because I was sooooo stressed at trying to get an internet service with my limited Spanish – because it wasn’t stressful – because I really don’t get stressed anymore. Even having to go back to the store 4 times in the same day didn’t stress me out – I just thought it was an exercise bonus. I’ve become unrelentingly positive.

For The Rest Of My Life

I have also realised that it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life and that realisation lead me to further question not just who I am but who I wanted to be for the rest of my days, and I’m pretty happy with the answers I got.

For a start, I’m free. Free to be whoever I want to be.

Never again will I apologise for my views, my passions, or my enthusiasm. Never again will I think I don’t deserve love, or that the shape of my body somehow dictates the quality of love I deserve. Never again will I live by the rigid rules that I had constructed around my heart to keep me safe. Never again will I allow myself to be put down by anyone and stand idly by pretending I am being a bit Buddhisty.

Authentic Me

Six years of sobriety at this point has taught me that I am getting a sense of this new Sobersista and she’s pretty feisty, completely honest, a bit sexy, funny, chilled, and a bit kick-ass, but she’s also even more compassionate than she was before and that compassion stems from and grows from a genuine love of her fellow Sobersistas.

I can see that in a world that is rampant with misogyny, it helps our male-dominated society if we are too pissed or hungover to do anything about paedophile rings in our communities, about casual, everyday sexism, about a lack of equal pay or about how our daughters are treated.

As I write this it’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that Sobersistas isn’t just about providing a space for women to help them change their relationship with alcohol.

It’s about changing the world one woman at a time. (My EGO is having a field day right now!!!)

Hola!

On one of those internetless days, I was making my way home on the promenade by the beach, listening to the waves and people watching, I was overtaken by a feeling of such pure joy that tears sprang to my eyes. As I wiped them away I looked up and a man who was probably in his eighties passed me on his bicycle and my right arm got a life of its own and flew up in greeting and my voice joined in with a cheery ‘hola!’. He smiled back with a genuine smile and a twinkle and in that moment I was totally overwhelmed at the beauty and perfection of my life. Then I decided to sing my way home.

This is who I am.

Of course, that feeling didn’t last, and thank goodness, because crying with joy all day would be ridiculous. I know there will be bad days but even those imperfect elements of my life are perfect just as they are, and knowing that means that I can fully accept myself as I am today and who I will be.

For every Sobersista who goes alcohol-free, there is one more woman in the world who is free to be exactly who she chooses to be. Not someone who is drowning in a poison that is increasing her cancer risk, damaging her relationships or stopping her from living a better life.

Your Destiny

Perhaps you are the woman who will inspire other women to do great things or create something of value in the world? Perhaps you are the woman who will improve her parenting skills and inspire her children to be amazing parents. Is it you?

Because when you look around the world there is plenty for us to be getting on with.

I created My 30 Day Sobriety Journal to help you get intimately connected with yourself and your relationship with alcohol. You can get your copy here: My 30 Day Sobriety Journal (Only £5.99)

Don’t Buy Into The Scam

I look at the billion-dollar advertising around alcohol – it’s almost as if there is a frenzy to push it down our throats. It’s wine o’clock! Here’s a great three-for-two deal. Look! – do your weekly shopping on our online site and we will give you a FREE bottle of prosecco. Oh and while you’re at it, here, have some prosecco lip balm.

I know I am playing my part in a small way by not buying into this scam and I hope you will join me and your fellow Sobersistas and show the world that we aren’t going to play their game anymore. Let’s play our own game, by our own rules.

Your Dreams

What did you dream of when you were a little girl? What boils your blood but you currently don’t have the energy to do anything about? What dreams do you have today that are swimming at the bottom of a glass of wine?

Whatever those dreams are it’s time to do something about them.

NOW

Your fellow Sobersistas need you sober too so you can figure out exactly what your identity means to you so you can step out into the world and fix what needs to be fixed. Even if you only ever fix you, it’s more than enough because the ripple effect will have a hugely positive effect in the world.

It’s Easier Than You Think

If all of this seems a bit out there or unachievable I want to tell you that I am nobody special. I come from a poor social housing background with the lowest of expectations set on me for my life. I fully lived up to those expectations until the day I stopped drinking.

The physical act of giving up alcohol is so much easier than you think. If you’re drinking a bottle of wine a night like most Sobersistas, then when you stop you are likely to experience about a week or so of discomfort while you detox and your body starts to heal. (Obviously, consult your doctor. NHS Info)

The real work is in working on your mindset, having goals that make you feel tingly and getting excited about living an amazing sober life – however that looks like for you.

I’ve written a blog about the typical timeline of giving up alcohol which you can read here: How Long After You Stop Drinking Does Your Body Heal?.

You Are Not Inadequate

I started reading all things personal development about 20 years ago and one quote that I read, even in my drink fuzzed brain, stuck in my mind. These powerful words finally made sense when I stopped drinking:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson. 

Much love always, Jules xxx

P.S. If you would prefer the privacy of one to one coaching you can book your no-obligation Discovery Call by CLICKING HERE.

5 Obstacles To Giving Up Alcohol and How to Overcome Them

5 Obstacles To Giving Up Alcohol and How to Overcome Them

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I did a poll amongst my friends recently and asked them what their biggest obstacle was to giving up alcohol for good. Some of the replies where obviously tongue in cheek, like my friend Gary who answered “I require alcohol in order to cope with people telling me how wonderful life is without it”. In the main, however, the rest of the responses were interesting and I will explore those in a moment.

When I was considering giving up alcohol, for me, drinking was the obstacle. Waking most days with a thick head or a hangover meant that I didn’t have the energy or willpower to do the things I really wanted to do with my life. After travelling and working in Asia for over four years, I had moved to Spain to create a lifestyle that gave me the chance to spend time doing all the things I loved to do. I wanted to be that person who wakes up in the morning and meditates, then does some gentle yoga, eats a healthy breakfast, makes some jewellery or writes or reads, before going to work in the afternoon and doing a good job. Drinking was my obstacle to all of that imagined and aspirational joy.

So, in my considerations, I didn’t really pay much attention to what I might have to lose, give up, or face, if I didn’t drink. When I did actually give up, I was so happy with the results – my state of mind, my improved sleep, my energy and bursts of creativity – that even then sobriety didn’t present itself as a problem to be dealt with.

To get a clearer idea of what obstacles others experience, I asked my own friends on Facebook, most of the answers didn’t surprise me.

These are some of the responses I received:

  • Will power
  • Social life/Celebrations/Being sober around drunk people/not being able to socialise on their level
  • Self neglect/self destructive tendencies
  • Pressure from others/Friends
  • Giving up the idea that you won’t experience the ‘warm fuzzies’ or that life wouldn’t be as nice without it

Here are my thoughts on each of those obstacles:

Will Power

I always thought I would never have the will power to give up alcohol. When I occasionally had the ‘giving up talk’ with myself I would instantaneously dismiss the possibility. I didn’t have the will power to do exercise regularly, or avoid eating crisps, or write every day, or to do or not do anything that I knew I should – so why should giving up alcohol be any different? When I started on my first 30 days alcohol free I told myself that I was just trying it and if it didn’t produce the results I was looking for then I would drink again. I was also advised by my lovely friend Sarah, to do just that one thing during the month, to ensure that I didn’t overwhelm myself with too many other challenges.

I honestly never thought I could do it.

What I found was that the rewards of not drinking were so plentiful that I didn’t need willpower, I just needed to not drink and enjoy everything that followed! Why would I deliberately give up feeling this great? For me, the risk and reward was worth it.

What about you? Do you think you don’t have the will power to give up drinking?  I know you do.  I know because there are so many other things that you have worked for, and achieved, in your life through sheer will power. Think back to something you achieved, think about what your thought processes were to push your way through to your goal. Remember how you felt when you achieved it – that sense of accomplishment, that punch the air moment when you realised you had done it. If you can do those things, I know you have the will power to give up alcohol if you really want to.

Social life/Celebrations/Being Sober Around Drunk People

One of our lovely Sobersistas recently attended her brothers 50th birthday party. Before the party she shared with us her fears of being around her family, knowing it would be a big drinking event, and knowing they probably wouldn’t understand her desire to give up – and certainly not to drink on such a special occasion.

She was so happy after the party and reported to us that she had drank mocktails all evening and no-one noticed that she wasn’t drinking alcohol. She did end up having one alcoholic drink by accident when she was misheard asking for a tonic and got a gin and tonic instead! She said that it would have felt churlish to refuse it, plus it would have meant having to explain herself.

Afterwards, she reported back to the group that she was so happy that she had been able to have a lovely time celebrating with her family. Yes, she used avoidance and subterfuge to achieve her aims but it worked for her. Obviously, this maybe wouldn’t work in the long term but I know from what she shared with us that it gave her the confidence to continue exploring a sober life.

When I go to social events now I have to rein in my enthusiasm about how great life is without alcohol. I really don’t care anymore what anyone else thinks of my life choices – my life is mine to do with as I please. Every action I take has consequences, good and bad, and I take responsibility for all of those choices. I have found that I still have a laugh, enjoy myself, get silly – all of the things I did with alcohol – except I go home when it all gets a bit over the top, get a good nights sleep and wake up the next day clear headed and bright.

Do you think your social life will be over if you give up drinking? It won’t be if you don’t want it to be. You can try one night with friends without alcohol and see how you feel, it doesn’t have to be a lifetime choice.

Self Neglect/Self Destructive Tendencies

I abused myself for 40 years with alcohol in an attempt to avoid dealing with an unhappy childhood and a variety of subsequent life stresses that always seemed to pile up. At the bottom of all of the crap I had to wade through, a lack of self worth was the root cause of the drinking, over-eating, failed relationships and blah blah blah. Being sober showed me that I deserve all the same things that everyone does – happiness, contentment, peace of mind and authentic relationships.

I have made huge personal leaps since my first 30 days alcohol free and I feel like I’m closer to being my best self than I have ever done. Prior to that I had done everything to try and overcome the past.  Self help books and courses, meditation, yoga, counselling, writing wishes under the full moon – you name it, I’ve tried it. To a degree, all of these things helped to some level or another, but I can say without hesitation that sobriety has given me a personal boost of confidence that I am never going to give up.

If you feel that your drinking is a symptom of some type of past trauma, I urge you to do whatever it takes to heal. There may be another plane of existence that we all migrate to when this body fails us but until we have proof, I’m living this life, now, to the best of my ability. You deserve to live your best life and if giving up a toxic substance that makes your liver work needlessly hard to deal with, surely it’s worth at least a try? Getting sober will give you a clear mind that will be able to deal with healing your past.

Pressure From Others/Friends

No matter what lifestyle change you feel you need to make to improve your life, you need friends who will support you in your decisions. I haven’t lost any friends, in fact I’ve made lot’s of lovely new ones, since I gave up and suspect you won’t either. I would suggest not giving in to your fear and brave whatever comments anyone will make, confident that you are making the right choice for you. Those that truly love you will still love you – sober or drunk.

Giving up the ‘warm fuzzies’

The prospect of the absence of a ‘nice’ thing in your life is bound to generate some trepidation. How will I relax at the end of the day without my favourite GnT? How will I de-stress after work if I can’t share a bottle of wine and download my crappy day? How will I enjoy my monthly lunch with my favourite friends without our spritzers?

It’s true, a couple of glasses does give you that warm fuzzy feeling, takes the edge off a bad day and initially makes socialising seem a little bit more sparkly. Unfortunately, your liver doesn’t sympathise with you. Unless you are eating a purely organic diet, (and perhaps even then) your liver has to deal with a pretty hefty modern lifestyle in the processed foods, drinks and environment we now consume and live in.

Add alcohol into the mix and your liver is working double time just to stand still.

I know from my own experience that I turned two blind eyes to the health implications of drinking. When I did get around to checking it out I terrified the life out of myself.

I want to be fit any healthy for my kids, my family, my friends and more importantly for me. Don’t you?

There were some other friends who answered my poll by saying they enjoyed the taste of alcohol or just ‘liked it’. I am pretty sure I can’t persuade all of my friends to give up alcohol but if I can help and support one woman to make that life affirming, positive choice, then I will keep banging away on this keyboard.

To my friends who took the time to leave and answers, thank you.

Much love always , Jules xx

P.S. If you are ready for the next step and you want my help to overcome your own obstacles you can work with me on a one to one basis. You can find out more by CLICKING HERE.

The One Thing Women Can Do To Give Up Alcohol For Good

The One Thing Women Can Do To Give Up Alcohol For Good

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I’m in the sober business so I read a lot about sobriety, giving up alcohol and also spend a little time on Facebook Groups – sometimes contributing and sometimes lurking. 

After a few months of doing this I noticed something that I think is a little odd.

Many women are struggling with alcohol to varying degrees – some have been sober for a long time and then lapse back into drinking, whilst others are trying sobriety for the first time.

The comments from women I’ve read are quite common:

‘I’ve been struggling with sobriety for 4 years but I still crave the escape’

‘I keep trying but my will power is zero.’

The self-flagellation many women are inflicting on themselves is heartbreaking to read.

There are some wonderful people on these forums who are always willing to offer advice and support and you can see how the outpouring of positive comments can help someone in need. However, the more I had read, the more I have noticed a repeating pattern in the nature of the helpful advice.

Can you spot the common thread in the selection below?

  • Drink lots of water
  • Take supplements
  • Be kind to yourself
  • Rest plenty
  • See your doctor
  • Find a 12 step meeting
  • Give your wallet to someone
  • Watch TV
  • Acceptance
  • Podcasts

The above are just a tiny sample of the suggestions I have read and all of them are great advice, but….

No-one advises getting to truth of WHY they are drinking.

Nearly all of the advice I have seen is practical in nature – go do something, try a thing, distract yourself – but don’t get to the bottom of why you drink in the first place.

When I first embarked on my first 30 days I didn’t think about WHY I drank either. I knew it was getting in the way of many of the things I wanted to do with my life, and some of my motivation for going alcohol-free was to spend my free time being more productive.

It wasn’t until I was in the midst of my first 30 days that the TRUE reasons I had been drinking for 40 years began to surface. Without alcohol in my system to drown the truth in me, the reasons started jumping out at speed.

I was lonely. I was a bit sad sometimes. I was bored. I was stressed. I was suffering from low self esteem. I was….I was…..I was…… Plenty of reasons to excuse myself with.

Getting sober meant that there was nowhere to hide and once I examined each of my reasons in turn the unvarnished truth of why I drank I realised that they were either not true or things that I could overcome.

Loneliness

Loneliness was a rare feeling for me as I really like my own company a lot, however, but I have the occasional day where I feel incredibly alone. Much of this is to do with the fact that I live alone so those moments of connection that I crave can’t be accessed immediately. Reaching out to loved ones and arranging get togethers are always guaranteed to keep lonely feelings at bay.

Sadness

Sadness was natural as I had come out of a relationship a year or so before I gave up and just had days of feeling sad about the loss of a potentially different life, so I drank to make the sadness go away. It’s a part of being human and everyone feels it sometimes. Being sobersad is so much better because I just sit and cry, or watch a weepy movie, accept that today is a sad day in the knowledge that tomorrow won’t be.

Boredom

Boredom was just ridiculous. I was bored because, most days, I either had a thick head or a full blown hangover and couldn’t be bothered to do any of the things I loved to do like meditate, read, make jewellery, write, etc etc. That one was just a ‘get over yourself’ cure.

Stress

Stress had already become a thing of the past by the time I was looking for the answers to why I drank. I had already sailed through a couple of pretty stressful situations and had realised that having alcohol in my system made every stressful situation so much worse than it actually was – so that one kind of fixed itself.

Low Self Esteem

Low self-esteem was something I had lived with my whole life. But as I got sober, I began to see that I had been needlessly hanging on to all the reasons I had low self esteem in order to keep myself from having to change into someone truly happy. Ironically, the alcohol had been making a huge contribution to my poor view of myself and without it there was nowhere to hide. So I really had no choice but to get happy.

Acceptance

Once I had absorbed, answered, cried over and accepted all the truths of why I drank my need for alcohol evaporated. Since then the clarity I have every day makes dealing with any personal problems so much easier – yes I do still have them – but they are all manageable and just a normal part of my life now. In a funny way, I kind of enjoy it when I have a problem now. I always know I will be able to overcome it and it’s like a little game I play with myself to see how long it will take or what steps I will take to fix it.

Kick Yourself When You’re Down

As women, we seem to be more pre-disposed to kick ourselves when we are already down. In doing so we lose ourselves in our misery and our drinking and we drink more to forget why we feel so bad. Everyone woman I have encountered who is exploring the possibility of sobriety is strong, determined, feisty and wise. They all know that there is a better version of themselves as a mother, sister, daughter, wife and woman, than they will never find in the bottom of a bottle.

What About You?

What about you? Have you tried and failed to stop drinking? Have you tried all the distraction tricks to take your mind of your withdrawal symptoms? Do you find yourself craving alcohol even though you’ve been sober for a while? Is your sobriety a daily challenge rather than the best gift you ever gave yourself?

Unless you get to the truth of WHY you drink, it’s possible that you will always struggle with sobriety. Like any bad habit we have, digging out the root of the problem and dealing with it, is more likely to kill it for good.

If you don’t know the answer right now try this journal prompt:

 

Journal Prompt: The reason I drink alcohol is…

 

I promise you, there is an amazing life out there for you. A life of exciting adventures, love, joy and most important of all – memories that will stay with you forever.

Much love always, Jules xxx

How To Tell Other People You're Not Drinking

How To Tell Other People You’re Not Drinking

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I started Sobersistas a little while ago and I have been genuinely humbled by the wonderful women who have joined me on this quest to develop a better life without alcohol.

Recently, a wonderfully feisty and passionate Sobersista started her post with this opening paragraph:

Rant

“This rant is in response to posts I’ve seen expressing the awkwardness of having to explain to people, why people have chosen or are choosing not to drink alcohol. First of all, it’s totally ludicrous. No one feels any need to explain why they aren’t smoking cigarettes, taking heroin or cocaine or meth or any other drug. Let’s say, even coffee. And yet, the pressure to drink alcohol is outrageous. That fact, in and by itself, suggests there is something very very wrong.”

This clearly resonated with many other Sobersistas because the comments came thick and fast. Here’s a small selection:

“My friend has posted in FB recently because she has given up alcohol and everyone asks her ‘why’ then tries to psychoanalyse her, she feels justified to say that going through the menopause means she’s less tolerant with alcohol, she’s also studying part-time and has a lot of assignments etc on top of a full-time job so wants to keep a clear head. I feel sad that she’s had to justify it.”

“I can go out and have a good time without a drink and people think it’s weird!”

“Even my sister, who has never really been much of a drinker, was aghast when I told her I don’t think I’ll be drinking on my all-inclusive holiday in August.”

“I have found resistance from friends who think I am taking an extreme stance by saying no more.”

“I think this all the time and try explaining it to people but can be like talking to a brick wall.”

Not Sharing

I have had conversations with women who said that because they know what other peoples responses will be, they haven’t shared their sobriety challenge with anyone and won’t share any posts or group links on Facebook or other social media sites for the same reasons.

Unfriend Me

I have experienced the same kinds of responses amongst my own friends on Facebook however, I have no fear of sharing. In giving up alcohol I have become the best version of myself I have ever been and if you don’t want to be my friend because of that then I wish you well but I’m not going to drink alcohol just to make you feel comfortable.

Be Kind

I know that much of the resistance comes from those who know that they also drink too much and are not and may never be ready to look at their own drinking. By sharing your story you are holding up a mirror to them that they don’t want to look into, and that’s fine. I’m never going to be negative towards anyone for their drinking even if they are negative towards me because I don’t.

Exercise kindness and compassion to those who react negatively. They aren’t living your life and don’t understand the negative impact it’s having.

Here are a few tips to help you tell others you’re not drinking:

Get The Mood Right – If you offer a slightly defensive or embarrassed explanation of your choice it’s like you’re opening the door for people to walk in and have something to say. Be positive about this choice you’re making and say instead: “It’s brilliant and I’m loving it. I’m so excited about the future!”

Don’t Explain – it’s no-ones business except your own what you choose to put in your body. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and if you’re pushed you can just say “I’m just not” and shrug your shoulders. Treat the whole topic lightly and don’t bring your private feelings of shame and guilt into the conversation.

Friends – From an evolutionary perspective we fear being shunned from our groups because, when we lived in caves, it would mean certain death. Recognise that this is where you fear truly is. In reality, the people who truly love you always will regardless of whether you drink or not. If you are shunned from your friendship group rejoice that you have found out that these are NOT your friends and start looking for new ones.

Family – Some families are weird and think you should drink when they drink. Remember that this is your choice and you’re not doing anything bad. If you can, avoid them until you’re feeling a little stronger and are able to explain your decision. However, no matter what your relationship with your family is, good, bad or indifferent, they don’t own you and can’t dictate whether you drink or not. If necessary lie, tell them it’s medical or work or anything that works for you.

Lie – As I keep saying, your choice to stop drinking is no-ones business but your own so if you need to lie so you don’t have to explain then do. It’s your body, your mental health and your life.

Partners – If you have a partner who drinks and is still planning to, I would strongly suggest that you just put yourself in a little quiet bubble and focus on your own sobriety. If you are faced with a partner offering you a drink or bringing it home for you try this: Put your hand on your heart, muster all the love you have for them, look them directly in the eyes and say “I love you, I’m not leaving you, but no.”. Many partners fear the change that’s coming and assume it will be bad without having thought it through.

Colleagues – If you feel the pressure to drink after work with colleagues, don’t go. Again, lie if need be. Or, go and have 2 soft drinks and leave because by then everyone will have drunk too much to care if you’re drinking or not – or even there! If they ask why you’re not drinking just keep it light. You can say “I’ve heard on the grapevine there’s a promotion coming and I want to do everything I can to get it.”  OR “I’m sick of being crap at my job and being stressed over it.” Don’t make a big deal about it and they won’t either.

Be Patient – The more time you spend sober, the more benefits you start to experience, the less you will care about what others say or think. Give it time and everyone will eventually come around. Or they won’t and it will be good that they are no longer in your life (because what a stupid reason!!!).

Hold Your Head Up

I guess you will have picked up by now that I never advocate apologising for this positive lifestyle choice. You own your body and your mind and are free to do with it whatever you choose without reference to anyone else. Of course, you will need to live with the consequences of any choice you make but when you get sober I promise you those consequences are all positive – even the ones that might seem negative in the beginning.

Be An Example

My take on this is as follows:

We need to remember that we are the vanguard of a new movement which, one day, will be responsible for putting alcohol on a much lower societal footing. One day it will be odd/bad/disapproved of to be a drinker. In the meantime, when friends, loved ones and acquaintances question, cajole and generally draw attention to your non-drinking status, be kind and loving. Be a sobriety example that everyone wants to follow. Live an outstanding life that you are consciously creating and constantly give credit to your sobriety. One day they will all join us here. We’re changing the world. Let’s do it with love, compassion and a healthy dose of natural feisty femininity. Own your story and be out and proud about your sobriety.

If you would like some one to one support, I offer coaching which you can read more about HERE.

There are some quick one-liners you can memorise in this blog ’30 Ways To Deal With Alcohol Bullies’ that you might find helpful too. CLICK HERE TO READ

With love always, Jules xx

Get your free 5 Top Tips here: https://bit.ly/3iSuqGL

5 Easy Ways to Help You Change Your Drinking Habits

5 Easy Ways to Help You Change Your Drinking Habits

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I came across a video today about establishing new habits that really made me think and so I have adapted the advice to help you with those habits you have that often trigger you to drink.

Environment Design

How you have your environment designed dictates much of your behaviour. If your wine glasses are displayed in a glass cabinet and your bottles of wine are in that ‘handy’ built in kitchen rack then you are more likely to be triggered to drink because your mind and body will just automatically move in their direction. If you come home from a stressful day at work, kick your shoes off and automatically walk into the kitchen, your body already knows the movements required to get a glass of wine. Do you have clocks displayed in prominent places so that you always know when it’s ‘wine o’clock’? Have you established an evening routine with the family that is centred around you being able to relax with a glass of wine? Do you reach for wine without checking in to find out what you really need in that moment?

Take a few minutes to think about your environment and what is going on in your home that enables your drinking.

Tips:

  • Put your wine glasses in a cupboard where you can’t see them.
  • Move the wine rack out of the kitchen and into the garage.
  • Store your wine on the highest shelf in the house that requires you to go upstairs with the stepladders to get at it.
  • Invest in some gorgeous tumblers and display those in your glass cabinet.
  • Buy storage boxes that fit into your fitted wine rack and use it for healthy snacks, dog leads etc, IKEA is great for this.
  • Get rid of your clocks and live out of time for a while.
  • Before you drink, check in to see if you are hungry. Place healthy snacks like fruit and nuts somewhere visible, preferably in the same spot you usually pour a drink.
  • Drinking more water is always a good idea. Use pretty glass jugs filled with water and station them around your house. I have a bottle that sits on my desk and a jug that lives on my kitchen table. I now have a routine where I fill them up first thing in the morning and if I finish them by the end of the day I have had 2 litres. It always makes me feel great.

Scale Down

Giving up can feel like a massive undertaking and can also feel overwhelming when you know it’s going to be a while before you have mastered the art of being sober. Do you get demotivated quickly because you keep failing after a couple of days or weeks of sobriety? Often the problem is that your expectations are very high and you make them almost impossible to reach (check in with yourself in case this is self-sabotage).

Take a few moments to think about what overwhelms you when you think about giving up.

Tips:

  • Decide that you’re not going to drink for the next 5 minutes. Don’t give yourself any other expectations beyond that. If you manage 5 minutes ask yourself if you can last another 5 minutes. Doing this every day builds your resilience muscles and eventually you will be able to stay sober longer and longer.
  • Decide on your new rewards and commit to doing them for 2 minutes. If getting fitter is part of your goals then put your walking shoes on and just walk around the block.
  • Have one glass of water before you have alcohol and then decide if you still want one.
  • Have your evening meal before you drink. Sometimes you’re just hungry and in coaching sessions a lot of women have told me that once they have had dinner they are less interested in drinking.

Change Your Entry Points

Often so much of what we do is automatic behaviour that you can have a drink in your hand and wonder how that happened. Are you aware of your drinking entry point? Is it that moment when you take your shoes off as you come home from work? Is it that  moment when you close the door on the kids bedroom? Is it the second you close the door on the dishwasher?

Take a few moments to think about your usual movements leading up to drinking.

Tips:

  • Change your pre-drinking routine just one night a week to start with. Do something fun that everyone looks forward to. Play board games with the kids, go for a walk, call a friend. Disrupting your routine will enable you to ride that temporary habit trigger.
  • Place your trainers where you take your shoes off and put them on, even if you don’t leave the house. Eventually you will.
  • Arrange a call with a friend at the time the kids go to bed.
  • Put a healthy reward on top of the dishwasher and have that instead.
  • Set a 2 minute alarm where you just sit and do nothing. Promise yourself that for 2 minutes you will just be. Watch the thoughts that rise up.

Community

Many of our habits are reinforced by the communities we live in. At the moment I feel like a bad neighbour because my front garden is overgrown with weeds and my neighbours is pristine. I always tell myself I don’t have time but actually I think I spend more time thinking about what a bad neighbour I am and justifying not doing it! What we wear, how we behave are dictated by the tribes we belong to. If you think about the clothes people wear in their particular tribes you see it everywhere – think hippies, punks etc. We model our behaviour on those around us so your ‘tribe’ is predominantly negative and you spend time with lots of people who drink then it’s going to be difficult to avoid drinking. However, when you are in a community that models the behaviour you want to adopt you’re more likely to adopt the desired behaviour because you will feel that you fit in.

Take a few moments to think about who your tribe is, where you spend most of your time, how you reach out for help.

Tips:

  • Find an accountability partner. Check out this post in the group to help you find yours.
  • Reach out. I will always be there for you and so will your fellow Sobersistas.
  • Stop thinking that the group is only there for success stories – it’s not true and those posts aren’t there to intimidate you and make you feel like a failure. They are what you will be writing in a very short space of time.
  • Log in now and ask for support – it’s what you’re paying for after all.

Use Alternative Rewards

Often the immediate reward for drinking is numbness and/or relaxation. When you know staying sober is going to be a long term project it can feel deflating to have to look too far into the future. If you’ve tried and failed before you know that in the short term that the detox is going to be uncomfortable and your routines will be disrupted and you will have WAY too much time on your hands to think every negative thought you’ve ever had about yourself. Thinking about the benefits of sobriety when you know they are way off into the future is just annoying. What you can do is pull the long term benefits to the present moment by giving yourself an immediate reward.

Take a few moments to think about what you believe around how long it will take to really feel the benefits of sobriety.

Tips:

  • Work out how much money you spend on alcohol in a month. Let’s say it’s £5 a day, that’s £150 a month. Go to the bank and get £150 in £5 notes and pop them in a glass jar near your usual drink making spot. Every day you don’t drink take one five pound note and put it in a separate jar that is for a reward of your choice like a full body massage. Promise yourself that you will only use this money to buy your alcohol.
  • Use the same idea but with coloured marbles. Fill a jar with two different coloured marbles and give drinking and not drinking their own colour. Take out the appropriate coloured marble each day.
  • Decide what would feel like a reward for you instead of drinking and do that instead.
  • Every day you don’t drink, post in the group. Claim each day as a massive success.

Much of our drinking comes from the habits we have established over time and repetition. This means that your new sobriety habit can be established in the same way.

Much love always, Jules xx

 

Why Willpower Won't Help You In Your Quest For Sobriety

Why Willpower Won’t Help You In Your Quest For Sobriety

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For so many women the decision to free themselves from alcohol is often an act of desperation.

They realise it’s negative affect on their life can no longer be tolerated. Is that you?

A Typical Struggle

Did you reach your decision in a fit of temper, boiled up from the heat of so many hangovers, so much embarrassment, so many stupid drunken acts? Did you have a ‘moment of clarity’ that shouted out to you ‘enough is enough’ and subsequently have that feeling of determination and action that was full of energy and enthusiasm?

And did you declare ‘today is Day One’? Did you embark on your new fearless journey by tipping the last of the wine and vodka down the sink in a triumphal ceremony of freedom – crying ‘I can DO this!”? Did you buy all the books and join all the groups that would inform and support you? Did you carve out a new daily routine based on drinking water, going for walks and runs, journaling and meditating – knowing that you have the strength to stick with it all?

Maybe the first 5 days you’re flying high? Perhaps you’re not feeling too great physically but your determination and new habits are holding strong.

Maybe you get to 10 days and you feel like a warrior goddess. You’re bright eyed and so full of the joy of sobriety that you feel like you’re floating. Nothing will stand in your way. You have all your new routines and habits, your new strategies and your new drinks. You’re so confident that you start sharing with anyone who will listen that you’ve given up. You dismiss their raised eyebrows and judgement.

You have nights out with your friends and take the car. You even have a mad, crazy night and no-one notices you’re not drinking. You feel like a fearless she-wolf howling at the moon in defiance.

A Bad Day

And then you have a bad day. Your child has turned into demon spawn overnight, your boss piled on just too much extra work, you got a call to say a loved one was seriously ill, you had a row with your other half. Or worse yet, you have that inexplicable emotional spike/drop called ‘ah f*ck it!’ and you buy a bottle of wine on the way home.

You kick your determination into the long grass declaring ‘I don’t care!’. That slipper and pj moment on the sofa with your favourite red is like a warm, soft enfolding hug from your most favourite person in the world and you dismiss your fight for sobriety without so much as a second thought.

Waking the next day, you feel wretched. You let yourself down. You let your family down. You let your Sobersistas down. Good god you finished the whole bottle! What sort of weak-willed, disappointing, pathetic sort of woman are you? Plus you have the hangover from hell so everyone gets the rough end of your temper for the rest of the day.

It’s Day One again. You’re embarrassed because you had just posted in your favourite Facebook Group that you were on Day 10 and the weekend was coming and you were READY for it! You can’t possibly post that it’s Day One again can you?

Are you exhausted yet? Probably.

In the last 10 days you have pushed, fought, forced, wrestled and screamed your way through each day. It’s no wonder you’re exhausted.

The problem is that you tried to use all your willpower to get yourself sober without realising at the outset that willpower isn’t enough to get you to the light side.

The Problem With Willpower

Willpower only works in a limited, forced way. You said, ‘I can do this’ through gritted teeth but how does that jaw clenching feel in your body? It feels bad – as your jaws clench your body responds accordingly with tension. Even if you are legendary for having a will of iron, when it is constantly applied to anything, eventually you will run out of energy.

It’s exhausting, it saps your energy and when you are at your weakest that big steel door you’ve been pushing closed has no more resistance being applied against it. Beyond this door is a room with your comfy sofa with ‘oh f*ck it’ written on the welcome mat. You’ve done so well for 10 days keeping it pushed closed but one moment of weakness is all it needs to step into that ‘safe’ space and before you know it the bottle is half empty.

In that space there is a blackness that creates a tsunami in you and grows because it feeds off your anxiety, anger and fear. All those negative thoughts you ever said about yourself are all true aren’t they? You’ll never stay sober – you’re too weak, angry, traumatised and anxious to fight all those negative feelings and you will NEVER find the willpower to try again.

Willpower isn’t an endless resource. One day it will run out. It always does.

Another Way

But there is another way. This way requires very little, if any, willpower from you.

Before I explain how, lets go for a little walk.

Just imagine that you’re walking towards the entrance of the off licence. You know the one. The one at the bottom of your street that sells overpriced vinegar in a wine bottle and dares to call itself merlot. You’re in your sweatpants or pyjamas, your hair is scraped back in a greasy bun and you’ve just realised you’re still wearing your slippers because they look at bit like Ugg boots and nobody cares anyway. You put your hand on the door handle knowing that what waits inside is an assault on your senses – just in-date bread, the soft smell of newspaper print and something unidentifiable.

You open the door and go to step over the threshold but what awaits you isn’t the off licence. It’s a huge garden filled with flowers of every colour, scents to stimulate the senses, hammocks for sleeping, beanbags for lounging and comfily cushioned chairs designed solely for losing yourself in your favourite book. The sun is warm and dappled because the trees are providing you with exactly the right amount of shade and light. You realise you are clean, your hair is washed and you smell of angels. There’s a pot of your favourite tea on a small table next to that book you haven’t gotten round to reading yet.

As you tap into the warmth and silence a gentle breeze whispers, ‘time has stopped out there so you can stay as long as you like‘.

Every bit of tension in your body melts away as you sink into the most comfortable chair you’ve ever sat on, you sip your tea and pick up your book.

Are you relaxed? Perhaps that’s not your perfect relaxed space because it’s mine, but you get the idea.

What’s Your Approach?

What if you could approach your quest for sobriety in this same, relaxed, warm way? How would that feel? Would you care about alcohol and your desire and habit of drinking it? Would it matter to you as much as it did when you were fighting it?

What if in that moment of perfect relaxation you simply stopped caring about alcohol? You recognised what it has given you, how it has affected you, you’ve acknowledged it and decided that actually a cup of tea, a book and a comfy chair is entirely more preferable to pushing back against it.

I Don’t Care

I avoided giving up alcohol for many many years because I knew that I would fail and I can’t bear failure. I knew that if I had to fight it, I wouldn’t have enough willpower to win and the shame of failure would have been too much to deal with. In fact it probably would have ended with me drinking more than before.

It was only when I stopped caring about alcohol that I knew I would succeed. I don’t care that I drank for 40 years – the important thing is that I don’t drink anymore. I don’t care that 40 years of drinking has taken a massive toll on my body that isn’t going to be rectified over night. I don’t care if I’m surrounded by a thousand drinking people because I know I don’t and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t care if the world feeds me images and messages that I should drink because it doesn’t matter to me anymore.

Today alcohol is just something that is. I watched a table of people have bacon sandwiches and pints of lager for breakfast at the airport this week and whilst I thought it was interesting from a Sobersistas point of view, I just didn’t care.

And that’s the key to sobriety for me. Not caring. Not caring about alcohol to give it any energy.

Can you remember that boyfriend who wouldn’t go away for months after you ended it no matter how much you cried, begged, threatened, cajoled and whined at him to leave you alone? You know the one. The one that disappeared off the radar the moment you stopped responding to him because you were really done with him? That. Sobriety feels like that for me.

Stop Fighting

Perhaps the ‘don’t care’ approach isn’t for you but I promise you, trying to apply willpower to force yourself sober isn’t going to work.

Whatever you fight will fight back, and in the end you’re only fighting yourself.  Don’t fight it anymore.

And anyway, wouldn’t it be better to be kinder, nicer, more loving towards yourself? Because at the end of the day it’s only yourself that you’re fighting.

Much love always, Jules x

 

12 Ways to Stop People Pleasing When You're Drinking

12 Ways to Stop People Pleasing When You’re Drinking

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It’s such a lovely thing to make other people happy isn’t it? But what if it’s getting in the way of you giving up alcohol?

To know that you’ve done something that’s pleased another person is so good for the soul. Thoughtfulness is one of those human traits that shows us that there really are good people in the world, however, if you are drinking with others to please them then clearly that isn’t going to help you achieve your sobriety goals.

Learning to Please

I’m sure, like every baby, I learned the first pleasing rules in toddlerhood, laughing and clapping at the right moments when anyone demanded. I perfected it over the years, needing to play my part in keeping the peace at home. If I was a good girl and did good girl things my parents might not fight or shout at me for…well, whatever. By the time I went to war with my hormones, pleasing had become confuddled with a desperation for love and an ingrained habit that meant everyone was served before me.

I Put Myself Last

I was last. For everything. Love, attention, time off from babysitting my sisters – blah blah blah. If you’re a woman reading this I don’t need to fill in the blanks. You know. You’ve lived my life just as I have yours.

Those relationships that I never used to be able to examine too closely without shame, guilt and a heavy dose of ‘oh my god WHO WAS I?!?!?!’. I complied and made his life easy while doing the opposite to mine. Those friendships where I kept telling everyone I was happy to go with the flow but had to neck a bottle of wine to stop feeling I was always in the wrong place, all of the time.

I Should have

I looked the other way when I should have walked away. I travelled to support a friend when I should have told her ‘I can’t afford it, sorry’. I put my colleagues career ambitions before my own when I should have taken the credit for the good work I had done. I served my mother tea and homemade cookies when I should have refused to open the door to her.

Being taught to be last created a habit that made me choose to put myself last.

We should celebrate every time we do something that makes someone else happy. It’s a truly beautiful thing to do a good thing for another – as long as you are doing it for the joy of doing it – not to avoid negative consequences.

Putting Yourself First

This is where drinking becomes a thing isn’t it? Even if you don’t consciously know that your pleasing activity is being done for the wrong reasons, your subconscious is always nudging you down the booze aisle because you know in your soul that you don’t have anything left to give yourself.

Once your drug of choice becomes ingrained and stuck in your life you’ve created two bad habits that feed each other.

The Fear

The fear of not pleasing the people in your life is that you will be rejected and rejection is death. When we lived in caves, being rejected from our tribe meant certain death, so we learned very quickly to conform and to make sure that we were seen in a favourable light and could continue to eat and live.

Whilst our physical circumstances have obviously changed, our brains still operate in the same way. The fear of being rejected holds us in relationships we shouldn’t be in and has us pleasing people that are actually taking advantage of us.

Simples!

The answer? You know the answer. Stop drinking. Simple, right?

I know for some of you changing the habit of drinking can be difficult, however, it is possible. There are thousands of women in Sobersistas who have given up with a variety of different tools that suit their lifestyle and the support of the amazing, non-judgemental women in the group.

How To Stop Pleasing and Drinking

Here are 12 way to help you quit your pleasing habit so that you can stay sober in the long term.

  1. Identify where you’re doing it – it may be that you only please one particular person to stay on their good side or it may be a day long activity. Do you do it when you’ve had a drink and your defences are down? Getting clear about when you’re doing it will help.
  2. Remember you have a choice – you choose to please others and you can choose not to. No-one is forcing you to run around after others and do everything you can to keep them happy.
  3. Create a vision for your life – if you know what your goals are for your life and you are working towards them, then if pleasing others fits in with that goal then great, go for it. If it doesn’t, ask yourself how much of a diversion you are willing to tolerate. When you have a vision of living a sober life, ask yourself what it is you’re doing in your life for others that is keeping you drinking? Are you drinking with others just to please them?
  4. Set boundaries – if you’ve never set boundaries for yourself and others then now is the time. It’s incredibly empowering to sit and think about what you want your boundaries to be and live by them. If you have a partner who waves alcohol under your nose and you drink to keep the peace, telling them a firm no and sticking to it will make you realise just how strong you really are, which will lead to you making other good changes in your life.
  5. Set the clock – if you want to wean yourself off pleasing instead of going cold turkey, start telling people you are happy to help them but it will have to be later/tomorrow/next week. If it’s drinks with friends, put them off for another night and see what happens. Commit to offering to help others when you are sober and not when you’re drinking – see if there is a difference in what you agree to.
  6. Ask yourself if you’re being manipulated – people only do what they can because they are allowed to. Ask yourself if you have allowed yourself to be manipulated into pleasing someone. Spend a week watching others and listening to what they say and see if they are getting you to help because they really need it and love being around you or if they are doing it because they can’t be bothered to do it themselves.
  7. Say no with love – ‘no’ equals rejection so we avoid it all costs but we can say no to others with love.  When we say no to others it doesn’t have to be done aggressively or defensively. You can feel the love you have for that person and say no anyway – try – “Sorry darling but I can’t right now.”, “I love you but no.”
  8. Accept the weirdness – doing something new for the first time might feel weird. It’s a bit like sobriety – if you’ve never achieved it before you have no idea what it will be like to live every day sober. But you can accept that it all might feel a bit weird but like everything new we do, eventually you will become comfortable with it.
  9. Make a Missing Out List – make a list of all the things you will be missing out on if you say yes to helping. What else could you be doing instead that you would enjoy? If drinking with others to keep them happy is your thing, make a list of all the things that you are looking forward to about being sober.
  10. Ask yourself just how much you are helping – in helping out others we stop them from learning how to do something for themselves. If you cook for your teenage kids every night to keep them happy, with a glass of wine in your hand, you aren’t giving them a chance to learn to cook for themselves.
  11. Journal it out – use these journal prompts to help you get clear about what’s going on:
    1. I people please because…
    2. The worst that would happen if I stopped helping others all the time is…
    3. If I put myself first…
  12. Affirmations – use these affirmations every day to remind you that:
    1. I am allowed to say no.
    2. I am the only person who can protect my time and energy.

Focus on Sobriety

Focussing first and foremost on getting sober is the best way to free yourself of your people pleasing (and lots of other bad habits too!). The clarity that sobriety brings will enable you to see yourself and your habits for what they are and the real reasons you’re doing them.

I Don’t Lie To Myself

Since becoming sober I have been more honest with myself than I have in 40 years. I don’t lie to myself about anything anymore and whilst sometimes that can feel a little brutal (and at times a little irritating) there are always good and wonderful things that follow.

You should never give up being kind to others or helping someone who needs it but if you are drinking to mask your unhappiness about always pleasing others then it’s time to stop. Isn’t it?

 

The people who truly matter will still love sober you.

 

When you stop people pleasing some people might not like the fact that you aren’t there for them 150% of the time. If they stop ‘loving’ you because of it, your clear sober mind will be able to see their actions for what they are.

With love, Jules xxx