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Books I Recommend to Support Your Sobriety

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In this blog post I will share with you the books I recommend to support your sobriety. 

Reading books is one of the great joys of my life and even more so since I stopped drinking. Being able to fully focus on a novel or a personal development book since being sober has enabled me to expand my mind beyond anything I could have imagined.

By the time I stopped drinking, I had been reading every personal development book I could get my hands on for about 17 years. What started out as a hope to find some answers to the difficulties I was facing at the time became an obsession, one that I still have today.

I love other people’s ideas of what might work to help me feel better about some aspect of my life, trying them out and seeing that part of my life improve. Wayne Dyers quote – “Don’t die with your music still in you.” is one that fuels my love of writing and my determination to one day write a book for you – it’s in progress!

Sometimes the ideas I’ve read about don’t quite hit the mark, and there are some books that I could quite cheerfully burn after trying to read the first chapter! After years of reading this kind of material, I’ve come to learn what I like and what I don’t.

Personal Development Inhibitor

One of the things I have learned about working with you is that alcohol is a perfect personal development inhibitor. When you open the bottle to alleviate or avoid stress, depression, fear, anxiety or any other negative emotion, you are preventing yourself from learning valuable life skills which will contribute to your personal growth.

When you are facing a stressful situation without alcohol, you have no choice but to work out how to handle the root cause of your stress. If work is the cause, then your sober mind will speak to your manager, deal with any backlogs, learn new coping mechanisms or change jobs and do whatever is necessary to remove the stress.

Using alcohol at the point of feeling stressed stops any of those opportunities from presenting themselves. This leads to a stuck situation that has no hope of being resolved.

Personal Development Books

When you stop drinking you are often left in a position of having little to no normal life coping skills. If you have been drinking since you were young, the chances are you never managed to learn appropriately about what to do when life gets difficult. Sometimes the feelings can be overwhelming and will often lead you back to alcohol because you feel adrift and scared that you don’t know how to cope.

This is why I always recommend personal development books to clients when I am one-to-one coaching.

If you have stopped for a while and gone back to alcohol, it may be that this is why you started again. Sobriety can leave a growth vacuum that you need to fill with learning that will support your personal growth. Here’s a list of books that I have read that I regularly suggest to my clients:

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr Wayne W Dyer

Probably my favourite book of his. He shows you how the ancient wisdom of the Tao can be brought into today and give you strategies for changing the negative thinking that often stops us from fulfilling our true potential.

The Source by Dr Tara Swart

I have re-read this book a number of times. It’s a lovely blend of science and spirituality and Dr Swart shows us how both disciplines can and do work together.

 

Atomic Habits by James Clear

This is a great book for understanding the nature of habits and offers lots of advice on how to change yours. Whilst he doesn’t talk about alcohol directly it’s a useful book that will help you understand how your drinking habit works.

Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict by Tsultrim Allione

This book offers you the chance to personify your demons and give them what they really need. It’s an incredibly powerful exercise which can have rapid results.

 

The Art of Happiness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Simply presented Buddhist wisdom directly from the Dalai Lama. This is a seasonal read for me.


The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person by Amanda Cassil, Phd

This book is for you if you know you are a very sensitive person.

Drink? The New Science of Alcohol + Your Health by Professor David Nutt

This is the only alcohol related book I recommend. Non-preachy and non-judgemental, you will learn about how alcohol affects your body and mind and will help you make informed choices.

Lastly, I am a huge fan of anything by Wayne Dyer so here is a link to a page which lists all of his books: CLICK HERE.

I hope you find at least one of these books useful and I would love to hear from you if you do try them.

Much love always, Jules xxx

P.S. If you would like to get more personal book recommendations and would like to consider working with me one-to-one you can find out about coaching HERE.

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Picture of mountains and trees

Is Life Better Without Alcohol?

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When you are contemplating giving up alcohol, it’s entirely natural to wonder if life is better without it.

I get asked this question a lot in coaching sessions and I always laugh in response – not because I’m making fun of anyone but because ‘better’ is such an insipid word to describe life without alcohol. It’s AMAZING!

So many of our associations with alcohol are around pleasure and enjoyable activities so it’s unsurprising that you might be asking yourself; “Is life better without alcohol?”

But have you ever thought about the role pleasure plays in your life?

Childhood Pleasure

As I crept out of childhood, I learned that pleasure could be found by hiding with my grandma and having her feed me. For a few hours, I would feel safe and loved and could enjoy a short respite from whatever drama was happening at home.

It’s no wonder then that I spent most of my life eating for comfort. Getting sober meant having to learn how to eat for fuel and not comfort and pleasure.

My first experience of alcohol at the age of 13 has a similar pleasurable association. Half a bottle of cider meant laughter, joy, dancing, freedom and lots of stretching my wings.

Dopamine

Those highs lasted until adulthood when alcohol inevitably became a crutch that helped me limp through life. But, the association with pleasure was hard-wired by then. I was always chasing that dopamine hit that would bring youth, freedom and happier days.

Obviously, as you know, those feelings of pleasure get harder and almost impossible to find when you drink every day for decades. Pleasure is still available, but scant and momentarily fleeting.

The pleasure of sobriety can be quite hard to imagine if you’ve never experienced it for any length of time.

As an aside, it’s important to identify the difference between the relief you will experience when you crack sobriety and the pleasure it will ultimately bring. The relief of not waking up with a hangover, or not having to beat yourself up for drinking is, of course, wonderful. However, the true joy of knowing you are free of alcohol is better than any short-lived dopamine hit.

Future Without Alcohol

The pleasure of sobriety, however, is a little more hard-won.

It can be quite challenging to try and project yourself into a pleasurable future without alcohol. What does that even look like?

But this is one of the important keys to giving alcohol up for good and it can take time for your heart and mind to really get it.

New Habits

When we embark on adopting new habits, the early stages always feel like hard work. I’m about to create new exercise habits and I already know that I am going to have to be organised and disciplined about it if I am to have any chance of succeeding.

I know in those early weeks I won’t find it pleasurable to be sweaty and achy. I will negotiate with myself trying not to do it, I will give myself excuses about being busy and lie to myself about being unwell so I can cop out.

However, my intelligence tells me that sticking with it, even on the days when I’m telling myself I don’t want to, there will come a point where I forget that I am working at it. I will just get on and do it. I won’t need to keep forcing a schedule into my life to make it happen because I will want it to happen.

At that point, I will have finally associated exercise with pleasure and know that I will be able to continue in this way for the rest of my life.

Is Life Better Without Alcohol?

The process of gaining your sobriety is no different but it is a process that requires, at least in the early days, an application of pressure, discipline, reminders and organisation that will help you get to the part where it’s easy. At first, life definitely won’t feel better. It will feel awkward, tiring and scratchy.

But as you make progress and feel alcohol leaving your mind and body and enjoy the pleasure of a more energised body and clear mind, you will begin to see how much better life can be.

One day you will have what Maslow calls a ‘peak experience’ and realise just how much life is better without alcohol but when you begin you don’t know when your day will come because it’s different for everyone. You might get it on day one, day 21 or later.

But you will get there.

How Will You Get There?

And you can choose HOW you get there. You can get there kicking and screaming, fighting yourself every step of the way so that you exhaust yourself into sobriety. Or you can get clear about the goal you are trying to reach, create a plan, stick to it and make it easy on yourself. You could, if you are so inclined, make it fun!

My fitness goal is to be lean and fit so that as I skip into my later years I will have the energy to enjoy them and not be a burden to my children. The second part of that goal is the most motivating part for me.

Where Did It Start For You?

What pleasure/dopamine hit did you start drinking for? Was it freedom from restrictions at home, numbing from difficulties, or the best fun ever with the girls? Think back to what you initially enjoyed about drinking. Do you still get the same hit that you did in the beginning? I would say it’s unlikely.

We continue out of habit because, today, we don’t know what the alternative will be like.

Trusting Yourself And Taking Action

That means you have to trust in the action you took to be here. You already have your goal, perhaps it might require a bit more detail and some actions to get started, but you know what you want.

Nothing happens without action. Thoughts about giving up are generally a form of personal torture if you aren’t applying action to them.

This is where you build pleasure – in the actions of doing something. The moment you begin to take action and start doing things towards your goal you will be taking one step closer to the pleasure you crave of waking every day with a clear head and the energy to live a life of enjoyment, love and happiness.

You might even get a little thrill of excitement at being able to add another sober day to your week.

What about you?

Have you had enough of chasing a pleasurable experience you are never going to get again? Are you ready to start doing a little bit of organised, action-oriented planning to get you started?

Life isn’t perfect if you don’t drink alcohol. You still have the same annoying people in your life, the same stressful job, the same amount of stuff to do. Those things don’t go away. But life is so much better without alcohol because you will be dealing with it all with calm and grace and maybe even a sense of humour!

Pleasure, true pleasure, is in looking out at the world and knowing you can shape it in any way you wish. Are you ready?

Much love always, Jules xxx

P.S. If you want to find out just how good life can be without alcohol but know you need some support to get there, you can check out the support available to you here: FREEBIES or ONE TO ONE COACHING

10 tips to help you have a joyful sober christmas

10 Tips to Help You Have a Joyful Sober Christmas

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There is no other time of the year that has the capacity to fill us with a mixture of joy, happiness and absolute dread. Christmas can be laden with such massive expectations that we can end up worrying and whittling our way to the big day in a frantic hurry, chasing the perfect gift, the perfect turkey, the perfect decorations.

We flap around sleeping arrangements for visiting relatives, wondering where everyone is going to sleep and sit, and wonder just exactly how long they will stay. Of course, we love our rellies, but being with them for extended periods of time when we don’t live with them anymore, can be stressful.

And what if they are big drinkers and you’ve been doing SO well on your sobriety journey? Thinking about what might happen could be a scary prospect.

The Fears

  • You’re not sure yet if you have the strength to be the only one at the dinner table with a glass of Nosecco or sparkling water.
  • You’re not sure if you will have the confidence to stand up to that relative who you know will keep bugging you to drink.
  • You’re not sure that you have the patience to stay calm in the face of drinking in-laws.
  • You have no idea how to get everything ready without your usual Bailey’s, mulled wine, and champagne.

Recently Sober?

I know if you’ve been sober for a few months, you might be stressed about not knowing whether you will slip up. You might even be having a conversation with yourself right now about how “It’s the holidays, I’ll just drink until New Year and then stop again. I’m sure I will be fine”. 

Still Drinking?

And if you are still drinking you’ve probably decided that there is no point in even trying to give up now and you’ve pretty much decided to wait till the New Year. The problem is, you know mixing alcohol and the holiday season has the potential for disaster and you also know that getting an early start on Dry January would be the best thing for you to do. 

Planning                                                                                                                                                               

Without some thoughtful planning, your quest for the ‘perfect’ holiday season can overshadow the whole point of this time of the year. It can make things unbelievably stressful and before you know it you will wake up on New Years Day, nursing the hangover from hell and wondering just exactly where your great intentions went.

So from my heart to yours, here are a few hints and tips to help you have the kind of Christmas you will want to remember forever.

1. Set Your Intentions

What exactly does this time of year mean to you? Yes, of course, it’s great to get together with loved ones and have a fun time but have you ever asked yourself whether you could still enjoy it just as much if you didn’t drink? 

Is it really about how much money you can spend on loved ones or how perfectly the turkey was cooked? Or how much food was cooked? Is it really about excessive consumerism and once a year over-feeding, or is it a chance to spend some quality time with those you love? 

What kind of Christmas do you truly want this year? What about considering a different kind of Christmas – just because you’ve always done it a certain way, doesn’t mean you have to continue to stick to the same exhausting routines. 

Without alcohol, these are wonderful times to spend some quality, crazy, fun time with those you love. Take a moment to think about witnessing the excitement of the little ones watching the lights being switched on or on Christmas Eve as they leave out a carrot for Rudolph. Or being able to see every expression on your kid’s faces as they open their gifts on Christmas morning. Or seeing your partners’ absolute delight at receiving exactly what they wanted.

Here’s a journal prompt to help you get clear about exactly the kind of holiday you want:

The most important thing to me at Christmas is…

2. Money, Money, Money

Consider making a donation to a charity. How about donating the amount of money you would usually spend on alcohol? How about not buying those unnecessary stocking fillers that will end up under the sofa, discarded or broken? You could suggest involving the whole family. Being together at this time of year is a wonderful time to be grateful for the roof over your head when so many have none.

Please consider donating to Crisis, a UK charity that supports the homeless. CLICK HERE to donate.

3. Do Something New

Is there something you have always wanted to do, like have a no-TV day? Or play board games all day? Or go for a walk? Or create a  photo album or video? Or volunteer at a homeless shelter for a little while on Christmas Day? Better yet, ask your loved ones if they have any ideas. Or have a children-centred holiday where the children in the family decide what they want to do for a portion, or all, of the day? Get creative and you could make it a time to remember for all the right reasons.

4. Drinking Relatives

Unfortunately, many people see Christmas as a perfect opportunity to get totally smashed. They start out with Buck’s Fizz for breakfast, champagne, prosecco and wine with lunch and then Bailey’s, sherry and other stuff they never usually drink whilst slumped in front of the television. And of course, they want you to join in.

Staying sober will enable you to deal with anything that comes your way. If you adopt a nonchalant approach when you are challenged then, eventually, anyone who is trying to persuade you to drink will get bored from trying. Once they have had a few drinks they won’t remember you’re not joining them anyway. Here are 30 Ways to Deal With Alcohol Bullies.

5. Alternatives

Having some alcohol-free alternatives might be just what you need to dodge some of those difficult conversations. Having a glass of something that looks like alcohol should provide enough of a diversion to keep you safe from being poked at all day.

6. Be Proud of Your Sobriety

Just because the majority of society thinks that these holidays equal booze doesn’t mean you have to join in. Be proud of how well you have been doing and show all of your loved ones all of the wonderful gifts you have gained since quitting. Show them how happy you are, how much energy you have, how much time you can give everyone and leave them feeling heard and loved. Show them that it’s the best thing you have ever done by being a shining example of sobriety. Leave everyone wishing they had the same sparkle you do. Not putting poison in your body is nothing to be ashamed of.

7. Reflect and Renew

Staying sober over the holidays is a wonderful opportunity to spend some quiet time giving some thought to what you want the following year to be like. Do a review of the year, particularly if you gave up during it, and make a list of all of your accomplishments. Make a note of how much time and money you save if you’re not drinking and make a decision to do something wonderful and life-affirming for yourself next year. Start planning for a future that excites you. 

8. Plan an Escape

If it all gets too much, take a moment to think about how you can get out of the house just to clear your head. Can you take the kids to the park? Take some Christmas Cake to a neighbour who is alone? Have a cup of tea with the lovely elderly couple up the street whose children live abroad. Go for a walk alone (or take the dog) – everyone will survive without you for half an hour!

9. You Don’t Have To Do It All!

The holidays can be such a pressured time to get everything ‘perfect’, so you spend most of the day fussing around making sure everything is just so. Don’t forget, it’s your Christmas Day too. How about making a game of getting the table set by hiding some items around the house and set everyone off on a treasure hunt? For example, hide the spoons somewhere in the house and promise the finder a treat for getting them to the table. Get creative and you can involve the whole family, and have them help you without realising it!

10. Plan to Have a Wonderful Time

If this is your first sober Christmas, why not think of it as a chance to have the kind of magical time you’ve always wanted? Alcohol has a way of derailing all of our best intentions but staying sober allows you to be truly mindful about how you want this holiday to be. Focussing on making wonderful memories for yourself and your family will give you such a huge sense of accomplishment and you will be so bustingly proud of yourself as the New Year rings in that you will wonder why you ever thought it was going to be better with booze.

Whatever you do, I hope you have a wonderful time and that the coming year turns out to be your year to truly shine.

With love, always, Jules xxx

P.S. Get ahead of Dry January by getting My 30 Day Sobriety Journal.