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Menopause

Learn about how the menopause and alcohol don’t work together and how sobriety can change your experience of the menopause AND your life!

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The Effect Alcohol Has on Your Personal Growth

When I first started helping women quit alcohol I spent a huge amount of time and effort on the practical elements of giving up. It’s the information you know by heart if you’ve been trying to quit for a while: 

Practical Tips 

  • Commit to a Day One
  • Set clear goals
  • Commit to a certain number of days
  • Replace your bad habits with good ones
  • Use alcohol-free alternatives if it helps
  • Check-in with your doctor
  • Reward yourself along the way and at the end
  • Understand your triggers and find healthy and better ways to manage them (there’s a freebie that will help here)
  • Get support
  • Be good to yourself and increase your self-care habits

Good Advice

Obviously all of the above is good advice and has helped countless women stop drinking, either for good or for an extended period of time. I’m sure this is not that different from all of the advice and information you’ve come across in the past.

Eureka! 

Over time, as my knowledge improved and I coached more women, I began to see a repeating pattern where women would commit to drinking, succeed at 30 or 90 days but then go back to drinking – often drinking more than they had been when they first quit.

I was realising that the majority of the conversations I had weren’t really about giving up alcohol. So many women who had been sober for weeks would start to feel uncomfortable about their sobriety and start messaging me on Whatsapp that they were feeling like drinking.

After a few conversations with clients, I had a Eureka Moment!

Alcohol isn’t always the problem

Nearly every woman who was struggling had the same issue.

When I was coaching I could see that so many of my clients had not had the benefit of working on their personal growth in the same way I had and this was having a direct impact on their ability to stay sober.

Since the year 2000, I have been working on my personal development. I was introduced to the topic by a management coach I worked with and after the first book I was hooked. Over the next 17 years, I inhaled all things personal growth and development. I did courses, retreats and anything that I found that I thought would make me ‘happier’.

Personal Growth Inhibitor

And this is what I discovered. When you reach for the bottle in response to feeling something like anxiety, stress, anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, trauma etc etc, so that you don’t have to feel it you are robbing yourself of learning invaluable and necessary life skills that contribute to your personal growth.

Anxiety

Alcohol causes anxiety so if you are living with anxiety because of something that’s happened to you, then adding alcohol into the mix is only going to make it worse and you will never be able to be free of it. After a spell of confident sobriety, you should discover that your anxiety levels are reducing and putting you in a much stronger frame of mind to start the process of dealing with it for good.

Stress

If you are stressed and drink you will never learn to listen to the messages your body gives you to tell you that stress is coming and what you need to do about it. After I stopped drinking in 2017, I learned really quickly that when I am stressed my sleep gets very disturbed and patchy. Now, I can spot stress before it gets out of hand and I can deal with whatever I need to at the right time before it has a major impact on my health. This is because sober me knows I sleep well where drinking me never did. So, if my sleep is disturbed then there is something going on that I need to deal with.

Anger

If you get angry and reach for the bottle you are missing out on the opportunity to learn how to set boundaries with other people and stop being a people pleaser. Sobriety will also give you the chance to learn how to let go of stuff that doesn’t warrant your anger. I used to be a very angry woman and would be furious about stupid little things, today I don’t notice the little things and live a much calmer life. Your sober life will show you ways to manage your anger and let go of what truly doesn’t matter.

Sadness

Feeling sad about something is an emotion to be honoured. If you are sad at any kind of loss then you are saying that this was important, that it mattered to me and my tears honour that. Often, sadness accompanies other emotions and adding alcohol to these feelings robs you of the chance to be clear about what is really troubling you and what you need to do about them.

Loneliness

I know many women drink at home alone which exacerbates feelings of loneliness. When you drink alcohol to stop feeling the discomfort of feeling lonely it’s the alcohol that is directly contributing to keeping you lonely. Drinking makes you feel like you don’t need anyone anyway and you’re probably an introvert so it’s alright and alcohol becomes the reason that you feel lonelier and lonelier and begin to imagine a bleak future. Getting sober will give you the chance to find out if you actually like being alone or if you would prefer more people in your life.

I thought I drank on social occasions because I was an outgoing person who found it easy to meet and talk to strangers and alcohol was just part of being there. Sobriety revealed that I was actually quite an introvert and drank so that I could have a social life. Now I don’t worry about it and spend as much time on my own as I need and see lovely people when it feels good to.

Guilt

If you drink because you feel guilty about something you’ve done in the past, then I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you keep drinking, you always will. Forgiving yourself is an empowering act of self-love where you can see the tangible benefits of letting go of guilt and letting yourself off the hook. Alcohol will keep you exactly in the same spot. Sobriety gives you the chance to look at why you feel guilty and take positive action to make amends to others and yourself because you know life will be so much better afterwards.

Trauma

Drinking to drown out the horror of a past trauma is certainly understandable. Grappling with the depths of feelings that arise without the tools to do so effectively makes drinking a very easy thing to do. Yes, when you stop drinking, the pain of your past might feel worse for a time, but getting the professional support you need will put you on the path to eventual freedom. Continuing to drink will keep you trapped in the past and it will never set you free. Only you have the power to do that.

Personal Development

Getting to grips with your personal development soon after you get sober will give you the very best chance to succeed at long-term sobriety. I know that no matter what comes my way, I have the resilience and strength to deal with it and it’s my sobriety that is the foundation of that knowledge.

If you are already working on your personal growth and are still drinking I would ask you to do a brief assessment and ask yourself if you are truly making the progress you think you are.

Coaching

Over the years my coaching has developed so that your personal growth is my top priority. In coaching, I spend as much time, sometimes more, as I do on the practical elements of giving up.

With just a few weeks of sobriety under your belt you will have the clarity of mind to start the joyful process of making good choices and decisions for yourself and be clear about the contribution those choices are making towards how you see yourself and how you want to live in the world.

Remember

If you have been drinking for decades then you may have a fair bit of catching up to do. I know it might seem a little scary from where you are right now, but I promise you it doesn’t have to be. Taking full control of your life and your personal growth will make you feel like a giant of a woman who is capable of anything.

If you feel you might need some support and would like to discuss coaching with me, you can book a free discovery call here.

Much love always, Jules xxx

You Can Give Up Alcohol

You CAN Give Up Alcohol

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“I can’t do it!”

 
Of all the phrases I hear in my coaching sessions, this is the one I hear most often. 
When you experience a day that is filled with so much stress, doing and overwhelm you will probably open a bottle of wine and the mental torture begins.
  • “You see, you’re useless.”
  • “God, I’m pathetic, I can’t even stay sober for 3 days straight.”
  • “I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay sober for any length of time. I just can’t do it!”
A whole week of staying sober is obliterated in a tirade of personal insults where you tell yourself that you’ve never achieved anything good in your life and so, obviously, you can’t stay sober.

A Woman’s Life

Women, through various circumstances, often find themselves in situations where it is required of them to do more than they ever could have imagined they could bear. When we drink regularly we unconsciously make our lives so much more difficult. 

We Care

We do the lion’s share of caring for children and our elderly relatives. Yes, these are often joyful choices we make, but if you’ve ever been a single parent with an absent father, you will know the daily stress, fear and grind of keeping everything together so those you love can thrive. The hours are punishing and, of course, we are at the bottom of the list for care.
 
When our children are at their most vulnerable ages we go to work because a) financially we have no choice and/or b) we have skills and talents that deserve to shine in the world so we can operate as whole women. Childcare is costly, so the financial balance is often calculated on the head of a pin. When we come home, often we have to make sure the house runs smoothly.
 
Every time one of our children is in trouble, we drop everything, juggle like a crazy woman and run to them. We empty our purses for them and give them anything we have that they want. We lie awake at night worrying about their adult choices, forgetting that they are in fact, adults. (They will always be our babies won’t they?)

We Move

We move cities and countries for a better life and make sure that every item is carefully packed and itemised. This ensures that children’s toys are unpacked first to keep them occupied and tea-making necessities are next.  Many years ago, I was admitted to hospital with a burst appendix a couple of days before a house move and spent months afterwards finding socks in pans and pencils in the bathroom so I know the value of proper packing!

We Work

We push hard to educate ourselves and work harder than some to ensure we can get the promotion that puts us in a pay bracket that allows us to breathe. To have all of this we have to live in a state of perpetual exhaustion and start to feel resentful and hopeless about the future. 

We Suffer

From childhood through to menopause and beyond we suffer huge and small aggressions from men, society, crap employers, financial institutions – blah blah blah – and in the majority of cases we just have to suck it up. Each aggression either makes us more aggressive or wears us down just a little more. 
 
If you have an old trauma, the expectation is often that you should ‘get over it already’. Or you don’t talk about it so you don’t make other people uncomfortable and you don’t believe anyone actually cares about this stuff anyway. There is no time or money for therapy and that trauma sits like a tightly coiled spring, waiting for the next ‘thing’ to set it off.

We Change

It’s only this year that the menopause is being talked about in organisations and women are being supported for what can be a crazy, scary and depressing time of their lives. The changes to our bodies and minds can induce lunacy because we feel suddenly out of control. Of course, we just keep going because we have to. 

We Age

Wandering to retirement, sometimes with not enough money to stop working, is terrifying and the prospect of working till you die sometimes looks like a real possibility. Seeing your body age in a world that demands you stay young is frustrating and makes you feel like you’re out of control and it’s too late to do anything about it. 

We Persist

And through it all, we keep going, we manage and we drink. At this point, you might be arguing that alcohol should be on prescription for free because it’s one of the only things that will give us some sort of temporary peace!
 
Of course, what I have written above is maybe a slightly exaggerated set of scenarios and if only one or two of them applies to you then it’s hardly surprising you have relied on alcohol to cope. 

You Are Strong

But if you have lived through or are in any of the situations I have described above then the strength you have had to draw up from within yourself is immense.
 
You have the strength to stop drinking because you have learned how to be strong through the simple act of living your life. You have overcome immense challenges in your life and along the way you have learned new things about what you’re truly capable of. 
You have made huge decisions to improve your life by moving to another country or city, getting out of an abusive relationship or changed jobs when it felt like a risky move.
Which means you absolutely have the strength to give up alcohol. You can do it because, contrary to what you may have been telling yourself, this liquid poison has no personality so it isn’t going to fight back if you decide to drop it as your best friend. It isn’t going to send you threatening messages or stalk you down the supermarket aisles threatening to jump in your basket.

Try This Exercise

Take out your journal and answer this prompt:
The things I have done in my life that have required me to be strong are…
Keep writing until you remember everything. Read it back once you’re finished and underline the words and phrases that highlight just how strong you have been until now. You will see just how amazing you are.

You CAN Give Up Alcohol

Face alcohol and be the woman you always are, strong, capable and easily able to overcome this tiny, insignificant, health-damaging liquid that makes you believe the lies it tells you. Be your own heroine.
 
I promise you that you can do it. The detox is uncomfortable but brief and the necessary reframing of your thinking is so much easier once you’re clear of alcohol.
 
I know you can do it because I did it. I have lived through many of the things I have listed above and when I stopped drinking I realised what an amazing woman I am. I will never allow anything to stop me from living the life I deserve and I owe that confidence and clarity to my sobriety.
 
Rise up. Be the woman I know you are.

Much love always, Jules xxx

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Alcohol, The Menopause and Your Second Life

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Are you struggling with your menopause symptoms or wondering if alcohol is responsible for how you’re feeling?

Symptom Checker

Check out these symptoms of menopause and see how many you identify with:

  1. Hot flushes
  2. Weight Gain
  3. Fatigue
  4. Bloating
  5. Night Sweats
  6. Mood Changes
  7. Sleep Problems
  8. Nausea
  9. Irregular Periods
  10. Joint & Muscle Pain
  11. Itchy Skin
  12. Hair Loss
  13. Brittle Nails
  14. Dizziness
  15. Bladder Infections
  16. Dry Mouth
  17. Difficulty concentrating
  18. High Blood Pressure
  19. Digestive Problems
  20. Headaches
  21. Weak Bladder
  22. Dry, Tired, Irritated Eyes
  23. Memory Lapses
  24. Irregular Heartbeat
  25. Osteoporosis

Symptoms Related to Drinking Alcohol

Now, go back to the list above and ask yourself how many of those could also be related to your drinking. I counted 17 out of the 25 I have listed here from the days when I was drinking. Interestingly, the muscle and joint pains I used to experience have gone away since I stopped drinking.

How many are you experiencing right now?

What’s The Source?

If you are drinking and know you’re at the right age for menopause how do you know what is causing your symptoms? If they are so similar, how do you know what belongs to menopause and what belongs to alcohol?

Don’t you deserve to find out? Removing alcohol from your life will enable you to deal effectively with your menopause and be 100% sure that it’s this that is actually the cause of your symptoms and not alcohol.

Wouldn’t that be a better and easier conversation with your doctor? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to be able to list your symptoms and have those dealt with instead of any of them being dismissed as being alcohol-related? You wouldn’t have to lie about how much you’re drinking and would get the treatment you need for the symptoms you have.

The Easy Stuff

Sorting out symptoms and getting treatment is pretty straightforward. Yes, there might be a bit of back and forth getting the right kind of HRT and medication, but you will be clear about your end goal and will know when you feel better.

The Real Challenge

What isn’t so straightforward is how you handle you at this time. So many things are changing. Your body either no longer does what it’s told or you have to work twice as hard to make it obey. You can see shades of older women in your family in the mirror and sometimes that makes you feel older than old and you know that your days of making babies are pretty much over.

Your mind becomes a minefield of lost thoughts and dangerous ideas that make you feel like you’re going mad. Alcohol can cause depressive and anxious moods and thoughts, so the mixture of the two can be a miserable cocktail.

The World

In society being young, male, and virile are the hallmarks of a worthy member of society. Even older men are described as distinguished or silver foxes and are revered and worshipped as models of human ageing. We are told over andover that this is how it’s meant to be done. Of course, men can still have children well into older age, so they are still seen as useful contributors to society.

This view is never afforded to women. I can’t even think of a phrase that positively describes an older successful woman. Can you?

We are just ‘women of a certain age’, we are in ‘the change’ which almost suggests we have become not ourselves because we are no longer able to produce babies.

A Triple Bundle of Crap

Just think about it. If you are 1) female 2) menopausal and 3) a heavy drinker – that right there is a triple bundle of crap that puts women at a disadvantage. Being female is always a struggle unless you live in a cave on your own – the moment you interact with the outside world someone will tell you that you’re wrong. Being menopausal is a struggle because it’s a huge proportion of the population doesn’t understand what it’s like. Recently, I have seen some heightening awareness by organisations to be more supportive but it’s still early days and the support can be patchy or non-existent.

And if you dare to admit that you might be drinking alcohol, thou shalt be judged and judged negatively.

While juggling home, family, job, elderly relatives and your own changes it can feel like alcohol is the only way to provide some much-needed respite.

No More Babies

Coming to terms with the idea that you will no longer be able to have children may be causing you untold stress.

If for whatever reason, you haven’t had any children this time of your life can be a distressing time that forces you to come to terms with having to watch that door close for good.

Or it might feel like a kind of freedom.

Whichever way it’s affecting you, it’s significant and deserves the time and space to work through and accept your new reality or take action.

Will Alcohol Make It Better?

Adding alcohol at this time in your life is like setting fire to yourself. There is no way that alcohol can help you through this time in any effective or meaningful way.

There is no way you can come to terms with your changing body when you are ingesting a gazillion calories and increasing your risk of breast, and other, cancers.

You can’t get even a little bit close to sexy if you’ve always got a thick head. And you will never be able to sort your menopause symptoms out.

Whatever issues you have in your relationship and your feelings of being less attractive will only come out in arguments about the dishes when alcohol is leading the charge. If you are thinking – “I went through an early menopause and thought I’d turned into an old hag over night.” then your relationship will need an honest conversation about what is changing for you. 

Your Second Life

Of course, there is a different way to look at it. You can take a positive approach and look for the opportunities that might be available to you.

Perhaps if you’re menopausal you care a great deal less about what other people think of you than you used to. If that’s the case then is there something you have always wanted to do but feared others opinions? You can be free to pursue the things you always wanted to.

You have decades of experience in work, raising children and life in general that lots of people would benefit from if you wanted to share your many skills.

Perhaps, like me, you are beginning to recognise that the way you spend your time needs to be making a positive difference to someone or lots of someones?

What if you now have enough confidence and the time to work towards being the CEO of your company, or get that promotion you know you deserve?

Succeeding at Your Second Life

What if you stopped drinking alcohol and decided to make the years beyond your last period the best of your life?

I have a vision of an army of women who have their shit together, who have their health working for them, who have figured out what work they want to do, have figured out how they want their relationships to be and more importantly, know beyond a shadow of a doubt who they want to be.

Giving up alcohol when you’re young is a great idea but giving up when you are older is a double win. You know what you want from life and know how you want to spend your time.

I have always thought that women need to stop drinking themselves into an early physical and emotional death so that we can offer the much-needed balance that seems to be missing in the world right now.

Try this out quickly – think about your last days on the planet, what are the answers to these questions:

  1. What legacy am I leaving behind?
  2. How did I spend my second life after menopause?
  3. Who did I help?
  4. Who did I love with my whole heart?
  5. How does it feel to have been sober for decades?
  6. Did I live my life to the full?

My answers to those questions are all positive ones. What is it going to take for you to be able to answer them just as positively?

As a sober coach, this is where all my focus is; helping you change your life so that it’s easy to answer those questions positively.

If it’s only alcohol standing in the way, let it go my love. You are wasting the best years of your life.

To help you get clear about your relationship with alcohol and your menopause experience I have created a free download just for you: 6 Simple Steps – Get it here.

Much love always, Jules xxx

P.S This seems to be a very well-informed and useful site on all things menopause: A Vogel.