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silence your internal drinking voice

How To Silence Your Internal Drinking Voice

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When you begin questioning your relationship with alcohol it’s likely you start listening to the voice inside your head.

You probably started out by lying to yourself:

YOU: “You’re drinking too much.”

DRINKING YOU: “No I’m not, the woman next door puts way more empties in the recycling than I do and she has a top job, looks amazing and has perfect kids.”

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

DRINKING YOU:  “That’s ridiculous. Everybody drinks. I can’t possibly be the odd one out. Anyway, what on earth would I do instead – life would be unbelievably boring!”

Negotiation

One too many awful hangovers later you will realise you DO need to do something about your drinking and you will begin negotiating:

YOU: “I really need to stop.”

DRINKING YOU: “You can cut down first though can’t you? Maybe just a few at the weekend or on special occasions.”

YOU: “But it’s getting out of hand and I feel dreadful all the time.”

DRINKING YOU: “Okay so how about slowing down or changing your drink to something less strong and weaning yourself off it slowly?”

Fear

Then you realise you are fearful of what will happen when you get sober.

YOU: “I know I am using alcohol to numb the pain of the past.”

DRINKING YOU: “I will never be able to cope with the overwhelming pain and I need alcohol to make the awful feelings go away.”

Special Days

Perhaps eventually you make the commitment to do Dry January but leading up to it your internal conversations go something like this:

YOU: “Right, 1st of January and that’s it.”

DRINKING YOU: “But how am I going to do it?”

DRINKING YOU: “What if the detox is horrendous and I die?”

DRINKING YOU: “I will never be able to deal with the work stress and the crazy kids and the…and the…and the…”

DRINKING YOU: “I’ve never successfully stuck at anything so I am not likely to stick to it anyway, so there’s probably no point in starting.”

DRINKING YOU: “I know what I am like, I will walk out of a shop with a bottle of wine in my hand and not remember buying it. It’s a waste of time.”

You Give Up

Eventually, you don’t bother giving up and spend the next few weeks listening to your inner voice telling you:

DRINKING YOU: “Told you, you’re useless and pathetic.”

DRINKING YOU: “I can’t cope with the depression and anxiety without alcohol. I need it.”

DRINKING YOU: “I don’t think I really want to give up anyway.”

And then at some point, you will end up back at the beginning:

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

It can be totally exhausting going around in those mental circles and getting nowhere.

One of the main issues with much of this thinking is that it makes you feel more and more down on yourself…and the more you give yourself a hard time, the more you want to drink to blot out having to think about how awful you think you are!

The Answer?

It breaks my heart when I meet Sobersistas in this state. It’s a horrible Catch-22 because alcohol makes you feel depressed, negative and anxious so you drink which makes you feel worse.

It can feel impossible to get to that critical moment of giving up for good.

I have been working with women since 2017 and I have seen so many of them torture themselves with this internal dialogue that, ultimately, goes nowhere. In Sobersistas we have a saying to help you break the cycle of self-destructive thinking and begin to change that negative inner narrative.

You can remind yourself of it by remembering 3 letters: M L T

M L T stands for Most Loving Thing and it’s a reminder to get you to ask yourself the question:

What’s the Most Loving Thing I can do for myself right now?

Here is the alternative conversation when you use MLT.

YOU: “You’re drinking too much.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop.”

 

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop now because if I don’t I will go around in circles with this and end up months or even years down the line and still struggling with this.”

 

YOU: “I know I am using alcohol to numb the pain of the past.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to get sober and get the help and support I need and deserve so that I can heal and live my life free of this pain.”

 

YOU: “But it’s getting out of hand and I feel dreadful all the time.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop so that I can heal my body and mind. It will feel great to feel great.”

 

At the moment you might not feel like you are worth doing anything loving for yourself but I promise you, answering this question will put you back on the path to loving yourself as you did as a child.

To help you get clear about your ‘most loving things’ and other top tips to help you get started on your sober journey I have created a freebie just for you. Get your download today and start the journey you know you are ready to start.

GET IT HERE.

Much love always, Jules xxx

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Alcohol, The Menopause and Your Second Life

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Are you struggling with your menopause symptoms or wondering if alcohol is responsible for how you’re feeling?

Symptom Checker

Check out these symptoms of menopause and see how many you identify with:

  1. Hot flushes
  2. Weight Gain
  3. Fatigue
  4. Bloating
  5. Night Sweats
  6. Mood Changes
  7. Sleep Problems
  8. Nausea
  9. Irregular Periods
  10. Joint & Muscle Pain
  11. Itchy Skin
  12. Hair Loss
  13. Brittle Nails
  14. Dizziness
  15. Bladder Infections
  16. Dry Mouth
  17. Difficulty concentrating
  18. High Blood Pressure
  19. Digestive Problems
  20. Headaches
  21. Weak Bladder
  22. Dry, Tired, Irritated Eyes
  23. Memory Lapses
  24. Irregular Heartbeat
  25. Osteoporosis

Symptoms Related to Drinking Alcohol

Now, go back to the list above and ask yourself how many of those could also be related to your drinking. I counted 17 out of the 25 I have listed here from the days when I was drinking. Interestingly, the muscle and joint pains I used to experience have gone away since I stopped drinking.

How many are you experiencing right now?

What’s The Source?

If you are drinking and know you’re at the right age for menopause how do you know what is causing your symptoms? If they are so similar, how do you know what belongs to menopause and what belongs to alcohol?

Don’t you deserve to find out? Removing alcohol from your life will enable you to deal effectively with your menopause and be 100% sure that it’s this that is actually the cause of your symptoms and not alcohol.

Wouldn’t that be a better and easier conversation with your doctor? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to be able to list your symptoms and have those dealt with instead of any of them being dismissed as being alcohol-related? You wouldn’t have to lie about how much you’re drinking and would get the treatment you need for the symptoms you have.

The Easy Stuff

Sorting out symptoms and getting treatment is pretty straightforward. Yes, there might be a bit of back and forth getting the right kind of HRT and medication, but you will be clear about your end goal and will know when you feel better.

The Real Challenge

What isn’t so straightforward is how you handle you at this time. So many things are changing. Your body either no longer does what it’s told or you have to work twice as hard to make it obey. You can see shades of older women in your family in the mirror and sometimes that makes you feel older than old and you know that your days of making babies are pretty much over.

Your mind becomes a minefield of lost thoughts and dangerous ideas that make you feel like you’re going mad. Alcohol can cause depressive and anxious moods and thoughts, so the mixture of the two can be a miserable cocktail.

The World

In society being young, male, and virile are the hallmarks of a worthy member of society. Even older men are described as distinguished or silver foxes and are revered and worshipped as models of human ageing. We are told over andover that this is how it’s meant to be done. Of course, men can still have children well into older age, so they are still seen as useful contributors to society.

This view is never afforded to women. I can’t even think of a phrase that positively describes an older successful woman. Can you?

We are just ‘women of a certain age’, we are in ‘the change’ which almost suggests we have become not ourselves because we are no longer able to produce babies.

A Triple Bundle of Crap

Just think about it. If you are 1) female 2) menopausal and 3) a heavy drinker – that right there is a triple bundle of crap that puts women at a disadvantage. Being female is always a struggle unless you live in a cave on your own – the moment you interact with the outside world someone will tell you that you’re wrong. Being menopausal is a struggle because it’s a huge proportion of the population doesn’t understand what it’s like. Recently, I have seen some heightening awareness by organisations to be more supportive but it’s still early days and the support can be patchy or non-existent.

And if you dare to admit that you might be drinking alcohol, thou shalt be judged and judged negatively.

While juggling home, family, job, elderly relatives and your own changes it can feel like alcohol is the only way to provide some much-needed respite.

No More Babies

Coming to terms with the idea that you will no longer be able to have children may be causing you untold stress.

If for whatever reason, you haven’t had any children this time of your life can be a distressing time that forces you to come to terms with having to watch that door close for good.

Or it might feel like a kind of freedom.

Whichever way it’s affecting you, it’s significant and deserves the time and space to work through and accept your new reality or take action.

Will Alcohol Make It Better?

Adding alcohol at this time in your life is like setting fire to yourself. There is no way that alcohol can help you through this time in any effective or meaningful way.

There is no way you can come to terms with your changing body when you are ingesting a gazillion calories and increasing your risk of breast, and other, cancers.

You can’t get even a little bit close to sexy if you’ve always got a thick head. And you will never be able to sort your menopause symptoms out.

Whatever issues you have in your relationship and your feelings of being less attractive will only come out in arguments about the dishes when alcohol is leading the charge. If you are thinking – “I went through an early menopause and thought I’d turned into an old hag over night.” then your relationship will need an honest conversation about what is changing for you. 

Your Second Life

Of course, there is a different way to look at it. You can take a positive approach and look for the opportunities that might be available to you.

Perhaps if you’re menopausal you care a great deal less about what other people think of you than you used to. If that’s the case then is there something you have always wanted to do but feared others opinions? You can be free to pursue the things you always wanted to.

You have decades of experience in work, raising children and life in general that lots of people would benefit from if you wanted to share your many skills.

Perhaps, like me, you are beginning to recognise that the way you spend your time needs to be making a positive difference to someone or lots of someones?

What if you now have enough confidence and the time to work towards being the CEO of your company, or get that promotion you know you deserve?

Succeeding at Your Second Life

What if you stopped drinking alcohol and decided to make the years beyond your last period the best of your life?

I have a vision of an army of women who have their shit together, who have their health working for them, who have figured out what work they want to do, have figured out how they want their relationships to be and more importantly, know beyond a shadow of a doubt who they want to be.

Giving up alcohol when you’re young is a great idea but giving up when you are older is a double win. You know what you want from life and know how you want to spend your time.

I have always thought that women need to stop drinking themselves into an early physical and emotional death so that we can offer the much-needed balance that seems to be missing in the world right now.

Try this out quickly – think about your last days on the planet, what are the answers to these questions:

  1. What legacy am I leaving behind?
  2. How did I spend my second life after menopause?
  3. Who did I help?
  4. Who did I love with my whole heart?
  5. How does it feel to have been sober for decades?
  6. Did I live my life to the full?

My answers to those questions are all positive ones. What is it going to take for you to be able to answer them just as positively?

As a sober coach, this is where all my focus is; helping you change your life so that it’s easy to answer those questions positively.

If it’s only alcohol standing in the way, let it go my love. You are wasting the best years of your life.

To help you get clear about your relationship with alcohol and your menopause experience I have created a free download just for you: 6 Simple Steps – Get it here.

Much love always, Jules xxx

P.S This seems to be a very well-informed and useful site on all things menopause: A Vogel.

Can You Achieve Spontaneous Sobriety?

Can You Achieve Spontaneous Sobriety?

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I am part of a small group of lovely ladies that run their own businesses and we support each other and help with advice etc.

We get together once a month (ish) and last night we went out for dinner for my birthday. We went to a fabulous restaurant down on Newcastle’s Quayside called Khai Khai. If you’re ever in my city I would highly recommend you visit. 
 Josper Smoked Aubergine
I also loved it that they had some yummy mocktails and I got this one with sarsaparilla, which was just gorgeous.
Mocktail
 
One of the things that I love about this group is that none of us drink alcohol, each of us for different reasons, but we are all in agreement about what a waste of time and life it is. During our time together we were talking about alcohol and those crucial early days and I said the thing I am ALWAYS saying which is: 
“If you’re not an alcoholic the physical act of giving up alcohol is pretty easy and straightforward: it’s the work you need to do on your mindset is where the work and challenge is.”
 

IT’S EASIER THAN YOU THINK

Now, let me qualify that. The majority of women in the membership group drink, on average, a bottle of wine a night. For some it’s less but still troublesome for them. If you are drinking that amount of alcohol, in my experience, when you stop you will suffer about 7 to 10 days of discomfort, lethargy and headaches which feels like a bit of a bad cold. After that time your body has detoxed the alcohol and you will be feeling much better. Obviously you need to check in with your doctor if you have any concerns. You can read about the timeline of healing here.
After that time you will have the clarity of mind and energy to start the work on reframing and redirecting your mind and your relationship with alcohol. This work is crucial if you are to succeed.

SPONTANEOUS SOBRIETY

If you have been trying to give up drinking for a while and had a few stops and starts, it’s fairly unlikely that you will suddenly, one day, become spontaneously sober. Spontaneous sobriety describes how you just wake up one day and BOOM!, you know you’ll never drink again. 
 
Of course, you could reach your ‘moment’ and that could be your last day one and you could achieve spontaneous sobriety and never look back.  However, it’s more likely that if you’ve had a few false starts then even if you have that ‘moment’ you may not be confident that you will be able to stay sober in the long term.
 
It’s more likely that, as you are doing at the moment, there will be a bit of back and forth and eventually, with the right amount of focus, changed thinking and working on your habits, your last day one will arrive.
 

THE CHALLENGE

If you had been able to just become spontaneously sober you wouldn’t need Sobersistas or any other support or information, and that’s why you’re here.
 
The challenge is in how you figure out what needs to be done and find your way to do it consistently.
 
This is often where the problems arise. Finding a way to be consistent in journaling, meditating, listening to and reading inspiring material, doing course work and changing your habits can be the mountain you just can’t climb when alcohol is fuzzing up your beautiful brain.
 

THE SOLUTION

There is no one solution. What is going to work for you may not work for anyone else. HOWEVER, there is definitely one thing that will stop you from getting and staying sober and that is DOING NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.
 
You MUST do some work. You MUST do something.
 
It’s not possible to get successfully sober by just thinking about the fact that you need to stop. Action must follow.
 
Think about it this way. I read this in Ask And It Is Given and it works just as well for giving up alcohol as it does for manifesting.
If you wanted to travel to a city 300 miles away from where you live you will never get there if you don’t move in the direction of your desired location. If you stand still where you are, thinking about the fact that you need to get there, but not actually moving in that direction, you are never going to get there.
 
If, however, you take one step forward, no matter how small, you will be one step closer to your desired destination.
 
It’s the same with sobriety.
 
Just imagine if you spent as little as 10 minutes every day thinking about a way to stay sober today that would make you feel good about yourself. What would that be?
 
Would it be watching a video? Planning for the weekend? Listening to a podcast? Journaling your thoughts about how excited you are about your sober future? Doing some meditation?
 

OUTCOME

With only 10 minutes of focus a day where you think positively about your sober future and how you can achieve it, you are rewiring your brain to see alcohol differently.
 
Wouldn’t it be better to see it as the unhelpful harming substance that is robbing you of the best years of your life? Or as that stuff you need to cope with the stresses of your life?
 
‘Doing the work’ works. Not doing the work will keep you exactly where you are right now.
 
This is not a criticism, it’s just true. You can’t achieve spontaneous sobriety by going to bed tonight and hoping tomorrow morning your moment will come. In all honesty, it might. Tomorrow morning might just be your moment but there are no guarantees.
 
However, if you spend some time every day working on some aspect of your sobriety and your mindset you are definitely guaranteed that you will make some progress, no matter how small. 

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

What one thing that you could do for the next 10 days that would give you a break from alcohol? Even taking a 10 day break from drinking will show you just how quickly your energy returns and how much better you feel.
Here are six things you can do that will take approximately 10 minutes:
  1. Join us in our private membership group. It will take 10 minutes to sign up.
  2. Book a 20 minute Discovery Call with me to see if coaching is for you (I know that’s 20 minutes but it would be worth it!).
  3. Buy that book you’ve been meaning to buy.
  4. 10 minutes of meditation.
  5. Set an alarm for 10 minutes and answer this journal prompt: “I want to stop drinking so that I can...”
  6. Take 10 minutes to plan a lovely sober weekend.

What action are you going to take to help you take one step closer to your desired destination?

Much love always, Jules xxx