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silence your internal drinking voice

How To Silence Your Internal Drinking Voice

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When you begin questioning your relationship with alcohol it’s likely you start listening to the voice inside your head.

You probably started out by lying to yourself:

YOU: “You’re drinking too much.”

DRINKING YOU: “No I’m not, the woman next door puts way more empties in the recycling than I do and she has a top job, looks amazing and has perfect kids.”

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

DRINKING YOU:  “That’s ridiculous. Everybody drinks. I can’t possibly be the odd one out. Anyway, what on earth would I do instead – life would be unbelievably boring!”

Negotiation

One too many awful hangovers later you will realise you DO need to do something about your drinking and you will begin negotiating:

YOU: “I really need to stop.”

DRINKING YOU: “You can cut down first though can’t you? Maybe just a few at the weekend or on special occasions.”

YOU: “But it’s getting out of hand and I feel dreadful all the time.”

DRINKING YOU: “Okay so how about slowing down or changing your drink to something less strong and weaning yourself off it slowly?”

Fear

Then you realise you are fearful of what will happen when you get sober.

YOU: “I know I am using alcohol to numb the pain of the past.”

DRINKING YOU: “I will never be able to cope with the overwhelming pain and I need alcohol to make the awful feelings go away.”

Special Days

Perhaps eventually you make the commitment to do Dry January but leading up to it your internal conversations go something like this:

YOU: “Right, 1st of January and that’s it.”

DRINKING YOU: “But how am I going to do it?”

DRINKING YOU: “What if the detox is horrendous and I die?”

DRINKING YOU: “I will never be able to deal with the work stress and the crazy kids and the…and the…and the…”

DRINKING YOU: “I’ve never successfully stuck at anything so I am not likely to stick to it anyway, so there’s probably no point in starting.”

DRINKING YOU: “I know what I am like, I will walk out of a shop with a bottle of wine in my hand and not remember buying it. It’s a waste of time.”

You Give Up

Eventually, you don’t bother giving up and spend the next few weeks listening to your inner voice telling you:

DRINKING YOU: “Told you, you’re useless and pathetic.”

DRINKING YOU: “I can’t cope with the depression and anxiety without alcohol. I need it.”

DRINKING YOU: “I don’t think I really want to give up anyway.”

And then at some point, you will end up back at the beginning:

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

It can be totally exhausting going around in those mental circles and getting nowhere.

One of the main issues with much of this thinking is that it makes you feel more and more down on yourself…and the more you give yourself a hard time, the more you want to drink to blot out having to think about how awful you think you are!

The Answer?

It breaks my heart when I meet Sobersistas in this state. It’s a horrible Catch-22 because alcohol makes you feel depressed, negative and anxious so you drink which makes you feel worse.

It can feel impossible to get to that critical moment of giving up for good.

I have been working with women since 2017 and I have seen so many of them torture themselves with this internal dialogue that, ultimately, goes nowhere. In Sobersistas we have a saying to help you break the cycle of self-destructive thinking and begin to change that negative inner narrative.

You can remind yourself of it by remembering 3 letters: M L T

M L T stands for Most Loving Thing and it’s a reminder to get you to ask yourself the question:

What’s the Most Loving Thing I can do for myself right now?

Here is the alternative conversation when you use MLT.

YOU: “You’re drinking too much.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop.”

 

YOU: “It’s time to stop drinking.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop now because if I don’t I will go around in circles with this and end up months or even years down the line and still struggling with this.”

 

YOU: “I know I am using alcohol to numb the pain of the past.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to get sober and get the help and support I need and deserve so that I can heal and live my life free of this pain.”

 

YOU: “But it’s getting out of hand and I feel dreadful all the time.”

MLT: “The most loving thing I can do for myself is to stop so that I can heal my body and mind. It will feel great to feel great.”

 

At the moment you might not feel like you are worth doing anything loving for yourself but I promise you, answering this question will put you back on the path to loving yourself as you did as a child.

To help you get clear about your ‘most loving things’ and other top tips to help you get started on your sober journey I have created a freebie just for you. Get your download today and start the journey you know you are ready to start.

GET IT HERE.

Much love always, Jules xxx

quit alcohol

A Soul-led Approach to Quitting Alcohol

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Physical Harms

Alcohol is bad for your body – surprise, surprise. Colon cancer, breast cancer, high blood pressure, inflammation, heart disease, liver disease, ulcers, dementia, osteoporosis – you know these things and yet you may still be drinking.

It isn’t hard to find information on the internet that will inform you in graphic detail just what alcohol does to your body. You know this. You drink despite this. You drink and ignore this horrific physical alternative. Why?

It may be that, as a unique human being, you have a reason that is different from every other woman and there is no immediately obvious answer to why you ignore this inevitability of doom and keep throwing wine down your neck.

But, if this knowledge isn’t enough to make the change and the risk of cancer isn’t enough to make you stop, what on earth would?

What does your soul need?

Perhaps what you need is something deeper, more meaningful.

What if the real problem is your soul?

I know there is a yearning in the deepest part of us that is crying out for something. It sat in me for 40 years while I drank away my life. I could never have named it because I was never clear-minded enough to identify it in the first place.

I could never have connected with it because I couldn’t get anywhere near it. I just had this ache somewhere that I couldn’t find that alcohol kept far enough away from me so that I couldn’t see it and quiet enough so that I couldn’t hear its song.

Now that I have been sober for over 5 years it’s blindingly obvious. My soul wanted peace. A quiet, gentle peace, undisturbed by doubt or fear. My soul wanted to be unshackled from alcohol to pursue its own freedom and wants.

There isn’t one drop of alcohol that could ever have given me that. Ever.

In your journey, perhaps you are focusing on being terrified of the detox symptoms whilst at the same time being scared of the health harms you know alcohol is inflicting on your body. It’s an endless catch-22. Fear of the detox – drink, fear of the health harms – drink so you don’t have to think about them.

Connecting with your soul and what you truly, deeply want in your life might be the answer.

Get answers from your soul

Try this – Imagine you have overcome your fears and know with 100% certainty that you will physically recover. Take a few calming deep breaths, close your eyes and imagine you know exactly where your soul is and ask yourself these questions:

  • What matters most to me in the world?
  • What do I want to have achieved by the time I die?
  • How do I want to live the rest of my life?
  • Who do I want to love more?
  • How do I want to be remembered when I am no longer here?
  • If I had all the resources I needed, what would I do?
  • Who could I serve that would give my life joy and meaning?
  • If I was free – what next?
  • Without alcohol – who am I?
  • Without alcohol – who could I be?

Listen to what your soul has to say. Perhaps the answers that rise up from within you are the ones that can be your motivation to let go of this useless liquid that is draining the beauty and joy out of you and your life.

If you need some support to help you quit alcohol for good and to tune in to what your soul is craving, you can work with me on a one to one basis. FIND OUT MORE HERE

If you prefer to go it alone, My 30 Day Sober Journal is available on Amazon and will provide you with the structure and inspiration for your first 30 sober days. Get it here.

What does your soul truly want?

Much love always, Jules. xxx

The Only 10 Things You Need To Know About How To Stop Drinking For Good

The Only 10 Things You Need To Know About How To Stop Drinking For Good

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Trying to imagine life without alcohol when you’ve been drinking for most of the last 20 years can be almost impossible to imagine. I know I put off giving up for years because I just couldn’t imagine how I would spend my evenings if I wasn’t watching my favourite movies for the 5th time with one eye closed.

I know that might sound like no life at all but I think the routine made me feel safe and comfortable, and even on the 5th time of watching I was always able to see something new in my favourite stories, mostly because I drunkenly missed them the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th time round.

Of course, now that I have given up I can’t think of anything worse. I still love watching movies in the evening but I love being able to fully concentrate on a story all the way through and know for sure whether I enjoyed it. It’s a bit of a revelation!

I know from the wonderful women I have worked with over the years is that one of the biggest barriers that you might have to overcome is not having a clear vision of what your future might look like.

It’s hard to know in advance which of your friends will still be around or whether you will be able to go into a pub and confidently order an alcohol-free drink.

It can also be really scary to wonder about what kind of person you will be. Will you be able to cope with all of the emotions that you drink to avoid?

Will you be able to save your failing marriage or will you find out that your relationship was so centred around alcohol that without it you fear there will be no relationship to save?

There are so many unknowns in your alcohol-free future, and while you’re drinking you can never get the clarity you need to make an informed choice. It can feel like staring into a void.

When you are drinking the future can feel it has no detail, no potential, no hope.

So Rewarding

One of the most rewarding aspects of coaching Sobersistas for me is seeing women who were desperate and despairing begin to make declarations of joy at their latest achievements – even if it’s just getting up and going for a walk instead of staying on the sofa and drinking. It’s like watching butterflies wriggle their way out of their cocoons. It’s truly beautiful to witness.

I had a conversation with a Sobersista recently who couldn’t stop drinking because she couldn’t see what life would be without it. When I asked her what she most wanted in life, apart from being able to give up, she said she wanted to be happily married. I then asked her; will you ever meet that man of your dreams if keep on drinking? At that moment, she had found a vision for her future worth giving up alcohol for.

But what about you? If you are still drinking and you can’t see what your sober life might be like, what can you do?

I have learned over the years that the 10 points below are the most important ones you need to consider if you are still drinking and struggling to give up. If you can make progress in these areas you will be giving yourself the best chance of success.

1. Acknowledge That You Have Already Decided

The fact that you are searching for information about giving up or are on my mailing list means that your heart already knows what it wants. It’s only your habitual brain that is keeping you drinking and that is something you can change. Ignoring what your heart wants is only going to create more stress within you and lead to more drinking. Making the decision to stop and commit to it will set you free.

2. Research The Detox

It might surprise you to learn that it’s physically easier to give up than you think. I have been working with women since 2017 and the majority of Sobersistas who were drinking, on average, a bottle of wine a night have been able to give up with a minimum of disruption. It takes about 7-10 days for you to feel better and the symptoms are manageable. Obviously, you should speak to your doctor to ensure you can give up safely.

3. Understand WHY You Want To Stop

Uncovering a clear reason for why you want to stop can be a great motivator. Obviously, you will be healthier, have better skin, sleep better and lose some weight but what are the WHY that would keep you motivated?

Why do you want to stop? Is it to find love, to get a promotion, to find a better home, to find the strength and determination to leave your current relationship?

4. Understand Why You Drink

Very often Sobersistas believe that the reason they are drinking is simply out of habit. Of course, for some this is true. However, very often there are complex and long-standing reasons sitting behind alcohol that are keeping you drinking. It may be past trauma, anxiety and/or depression (which is often caused by alcohol), toxic relationships etc. Making sure that you understand why you drink will be an enormous aid in helping you stop because you will know what it is that you need to tackle.

5. Get Comfortable With Falling Off The Wagon

Failure is a part of success because every time you fail you have a chance to learn from what happened. When you drink after a spell of sobriety it’s critical that you take a moment to learn from what happened. Asking yourself – who was I with, what was I doing, how was I feeling – will allow you to keep building your knowledge bank of the reasons you drink.

Knowledge is power and once you know you can’t unknow and whilst it might take a little while to have your last day one, eventually you will get tired and irritated of making the same mistakes and not doing anything about it.

Failure is a learning process so don’t beat yourself up. Learn, learn, learn and you will automatically move in the right direction.

6. Get New, Lovely Habits

One of the most successful ways to change your drinking habit is to replace it with a better one. What would you love to do instead of drinking? Do you want to try a new exercise class, revive an old hobby, start a side hustle business that you’ve been thinking about for years?

Doing something that fills you up spiritually or that makes you feel nourished and nurtured would be a great way to replace alcohol.

7. Recognise That The Anxiety You Feel May Not Be Real

A little while ago I conducted a poll in my group and asked newly sober women about their experiences with anxiety. The results were astonishing!

  • 70% reported that their anxiety had massively reduced.
  • 17% reported that their anxiety had completely disappeared.
  • 12% reported that they had either reduced or come off anxiety medication.
  • 1% reported no change.

This means that a huge 99% of women who gave up drinking no longer had severe issues with anxiety! That’s crazy if you think about it. The likelihood is that you are one of the 99% – what would it feel like to live without the anxiety you’re experiencing right now?

8. Decide HOW You Will Get Sober

It’s important to understand your feelings about change and how you approach it. Are you a fast decision-maker or do you need to do a lot of research before you take action? Think back to a time when you initiated change for yourself and think about how you went about it. There will be some clues in there that will help lead you in the right direction.

9. Change Your Mindset

Having worked with women since 2017 I know that the most challenging part of giving up alcohol is staying sober in the long term. Changing how you view alcohol, how you view yourself as a sober woman, how you live life without that crutch – these are the real challenges in giving up. Your aim should be to get to the point of not caring about alcohol one way or the other. That kind of thinking takes a mindset change that often comes with support and time.

10. Be Clear About Your Legacy

Given that you are already thinking about giving up alcohol, is this what you want to be thinking when you get to your last days on the planet? Is this what you want to continue to be ‘working on’? Or, would you rather stop for good and be able to look back at your life from today and say “That was an amazing adventure!” and be surrounded by those that love you, knowing that they are so proud of the choice you are about to make?

It might sound a bit gruesome but thinking about how you would like to be remembered can be a huge motivator in stopping now.

To help you get to the truth and clarity you need I have created a free printable called “Give Up For Good : The Only 10 Things You Need To Know”. This is for you if you’re struggling to find that last day one, you want to know the best way to stop drinking and you dream of life without numbing out, hangovers and living life in a way that is less than you deserve. CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE COPY

With love, Jules xx

P.S. If you are newly sober and are excited about your future but feel that you need some clear direction for your new sober life I have created a free 30 minute Big Why Booster session which will show you how to get 100% clear on what is going to truly motivate you to change your life so you never need to think about alcohol again.

At the end of your 30 minutes, you will be excited about your future and be clear on the next steps you need to take toward success. BOOK IN HERE

Why you're not struggling to give up alcohol

Why you’re not struggling to give up alcohol

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Over the years I have seen many comments and had lots of conversations about the journey to sobriety being described as a struggle. ‘The struggle is real’ has almost become a sobriety mantra, as if you can’t give up unless you accept and embrace ‘the struggle’ and grit your teeth every moment of every day through to sobriety.

Obviously, some people struggle with alcoholism and in this context, that description is accurate and real for those people.

However, for Sobersistas who have discovered that alcohol is just getting in the way of their lives and they recognise that life would be better without it, giving up is not a struggle.

Using struggle as a way of describing how you’re feeling is a catchall term that is placing a layer over the truth. If you describe something as a struggle what you’re not doing is getting underneath what is really going on.

During a recent coaching session I had a Sobersista share that she was struggling. I asked her what exactly it was that she was struggling with.

Her first response was simply in staying sober, however, after some gentle coaxing, she realised that it was her fears of a sober future that were keeping her drinking.

Negative Beliefs

This Sobersista had some deeply held but negative beliefs about what her sober future would look like. She described it as dull and boring and had no idea what she would do with her time. For her, the ‘struggle’ was in not knowing what life would be like.

Once we explored the possibilities and I gently challenged the negative thinking she started to see things in a whole new way.

Erroneous Beliefs

Very often, the struggle is coming from your erroneous beliefs that you created to keep yourself ‘safe’, also known as; ‘keep things the same’.

If you are drinking regularly, not doing so will have a pretty significant change to your lifestyle. Subconsciously, at the moment of deciding that alcohol has become a problem, the prospect of what life might be like could feel overwhelming.

This is why women so often define the process of giving up alcohol as a struggle.

But the struggle isn’t in the physical act of giving up drinking, it stems from sitting inside your fears and not tackling them.

So, what are you really struggling with?

Here are some of the things I recommend when I am coaching:

Why?

Start with asking yourself the question “If I’m not struggling, what is really going on?” Is it stress, anxiety, habit? Getting to the bottom of what brings on that automatic reaction could give you the insight and confidence you need to stop drinking and start tackling what’s really going on.

HALT!

Think HALT – are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired – you can do something about all of these. Eat, smash plates, call someone you love, go to bed (no matter what time of the day it is!). Similarly to the point above, check in with yourself to see if there is something kinder that you need to do for yourself than drink.

Sad and Depressed?

Are you sad or feeling depressed? Embrace it. You are human and these are human emotions. You are not an emotionless robot. If you recognise that you are drinking to avoid ‘negative’ feelings, remember that alcohol is a depressant and it may be that without alcohol you won’t feel so bad. Allow yourself to feel – it’s very cathartic. Be sad, cry, get snotty, binge-watch something that is always guaranteed to turn the waterworks on.

Fear of Failure?

Are you fearful of having to admit you failed when you drink? If you have been drinking regularly for decades, expecting that you should be able to succeed at the first attempt is a bit crazy. If you manage 7 days sober and then drink, you didn’t lose those 7 days. Consistency and determination are needed so you can build your resilience. Alcohol is great for making you feel like you can’t succeed at anything, but, if you never attempt sobriety you’ll never know how amazing it is.

Boredom and FOMO

Are you fearful that you will be bored? Or that you will miss out on all the ‘fun’ when you can’t socialise without alcohol? Much of this thinking requires a shift in perspective and sobriety gives you a chance to redefine what is fun for you.

You gift yourself back a LOT of time and money when you stop drinking. A great way to shift your perspective is to work out how much that is and make a wish for the future you truly want.

Relationships Will Change

Do you think that your relationship will fail if you stop? Or that your friendship will falter because you can’t have your usual girl time with wine? Those who truly love you will always love you, regardless of whether you are putting poison in your body.

Sobriety gives you the chance to fix things or walk away – either way, you will be happier.

More to Life

Finding that answer will set you free and allow you to find your sobriety with ease. It doesn’t have to be a struggle to give up alcohol.

I didn’t struggle because I acknowledged what was going on. I realised that I was hiding and feeling a sense of unworthiness because that was what I had been taught as a child. Forty years later I had had enough of carrying that nonsense around with me.

I knew that there had to be more to life than this daily misery, this droning boredom and feeling that my life was going nowhere.

What’s Your Problem?

What are you really having a problem with? What are you using alcohol for? Whatever it is, don’t use ‘the struggle’ as a way of avoiding the truth about yourself. If you keep telling yourself ‘the struggle is real’ that’s what your brain hears over and over again.

So, here’s your new mantra:

It’s really easy to give up alcohol and I’m loving getting to know my authentic self.

I love it that I am honest with myself every day.

Don’t struggle my love, there’s no need.

If you would like me to prove to you that it doesn’t have to be a struggle you might want to consider one to one coaching with me. Find Out More Here.

Much love always, Jules xxx

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Why I’m not here to help you give up alcohol

Why I’m not here to help you give up alcohol

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I know if you’ve been around Sobersistas for a while it might seem that the statement above is a bit surprising. The business is called ‘SOBERsistas’ after all.

Yes, if you came here to give up alcohol then then are lots of resources and support available to you to help you achieve that.

BUT

Bigger Vision

I am not just here to help you give up alcohol. My true mission is to help you discover, create and live the life you deserve – and I want you to stop drinking as part of the bigger vision I have for you.

As long as you continue to drink, you are draining yourself of energy and focus. You are not dealing with the issues you have and you are not allow yourself to create a vision of how life can really be. The physical, mental and emotional effects of alcohol are simply getting in your way.

And if you’re not giving up drinking to create a better life for yourself – what on earth are you doing it for? Once you’ve given up, what then?

A Failure

I’ve lost count of the women who I’ve seen who have successfully given up alcohol for months at a time, only to start drinking again and disappear from the group. They then embark on months of self-sabotage and self-flagellation in search of the proof that confirms what they always thought they were – a failure.

The reason this happens is usually always the same. They never did anything to take advantage of their sobriety to change their lives for the better. They didn’t fill the void that drinking left – sometimes that can be as much as 35 hours a week spent on drinking! They didn’t develop strategies to deal with the reasons they were drinking too much in the first place.

Does this sound familiar? Have you been in this situation more than once?

When you drink to deal with an unhappy relationship, an unfulfilling job that is stifling your natural talents or any one of the other million possible reasons, if you don’t have a plan to deal with these when you stop, they will still be there waiting for you and because they are a source of stress, you are more likely to go back to your default coping mechanism of opening a bottle of wine.

If you don’t tack these issues while your mind and soul are clear of alcohol then you will start drinking again because that is your default way of coping with that issue. If you don’t learn new strategies then we all revert to what we know when we think we don’t have any other options.

But there are other options.

Getting Sober is Easy

I know that this might cause some arguments and disagreement but getting sober is easy. It’s actually living with the consequences of knowing you want to stop and not stopping that is really hard. The moment you decide that alcohol is a problem in your life then you put yourself in a state of wanting and not wanting at the same time. Both can’t win so you end up torturing yourself as a failure when all you need to do is allow your desire for sobriety win the fight.

Netflix and Chardonnay

If your relationship is being held together with Netflix and Chardonnay then yes, it can be scary to contemplate breaking up. The problem with this way of thinking is that it’s very black and white and driven by the negativity that alcohol infuses in your. It’s entirely possible that your relationship could recover and thrive – or you could break up, feel good about it and end up living the life of your dreams.

Your Best Self

If you feel like your employer can’t see your talents and are frustrated that they are going to waste – you’re right. Alcohol causes anxiety and depression and a lack of focus, so no employer is going to see the best in you when you never present your best self to them.

Make the Decision

My job as a coach is not to help you give up alcohol. You could very easily stop right now without any help at all. You just need to make the decision.
What if, in making that decision, you became the version of yourself that deep down you know you’re supposed to be? What if you let go of everything in your life that isn’t serving you, including alcohol, and started creating the life that you know you deserve? What if you started chasing those dreams that you’ve harboured for so long because – why not? And why not you?
Coaching shows you how that is possible and reminds you of just how brilliant you are, to show you the wonderful things that you already know you can achieve in your sober life. I can give you the tools and the alternative options. Together we will discover the vision of the life you want to live and create the roadmap for achieving it.

This Half-Life

You are not meant to spend your life soaked in alcohol, living this half-life. You are meant to thrive, shine, make a positive contribution to society and bring some much needed balance back into your life, community and the world.
This quote from A Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson inspires me every time I read it. I have discovered how I shine and when I am coaching I can always see that dulled light that is in you. Together we can work out how to help you bring your light to the world.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am not here to help you give up alcohol. I am here to help you live the life you truly deserve.

Find out more about working with me on a one to one basis:  https://sobersistas.co.uk/4-week-coaching-programme/

Alternatively, book your free 30 minute Discovery Call and we will figure out what works best for you: https://sobersistas.co.uk/book-your-discovery-call/

If you want a little more inspiration to see how you can live a fulfilling life without alcohol, I have a FREE WEBINAR just for you. CLICK HERE

Much love always, Jules xxx